Advice on Life and Love

How to Tell If Your Therapist is Any Good

2011-12-29T19:15:00.000+10:00

Susan Lwellyn has found that therapists are often out of sync with their clients around what they are doing in therapy that is useful. Clients find it most useful when they feel reassured and develop some strategies to solve their problems. Whereas therapists think they are being most useful when the client develops some insight into the cognitive and emotional causes of their problem.

As a former therapist I know just how satisfying it feels to guide a client to an insight. I used to think "Now they understand how their current behaviour relates to their childhood experiences of emotional neglect, so they will now find it easy to change!" But, you know what, those long conversations didn't actually lead to a whole lot of change. I think they were based on a misunderstanding of what needs to happen in therapy.

William Miller (founder of an approach called Motivational Interviewing) discovered that some therapists do a much better job at helping their clientsto change than others. Miller studied the differences between effectiveand ineffective therapists and found that the highly effective therapists:

Were good at empathic listening and were genuinelyinterested in understanding the client’sperspective
Coached the client to explorethe pros and cons of change and helped them to make their own decision aboutwhether they wanted to change
When the client resisted theidea of change, the effective therapists ‘rolled with that resistance’ ratherthan arguing with the client.
Had a respectful stance

Honoring the client’sautonomy – the client gets to choose whether theychange or not, and as adults, they take responsibility for the consequences oftheir choice.
Viewing the client as theexpert in their life. They didn’t talk down to the client but took acollaborative approach where they worked together to figure out what to do next.

So, here is my advice, if you want good therapy:

Look for a therapist who treats you and your perspective with respect
Avoid therapists who argue with you; make you wrong or talk down to you
Avoid therapists who want to spend hours working out how your parents/childhood messed you up
Ask for the research evidence that supports the approach they are taking.

How to be More Charismatic

2011-12-20T17:28:00.002+10:00

Research suggests that charisma is determined by:

When you are talking, what is the experience like for the listener? Are you open, animated, demonstrative and dynamic? Is there a degree of intensity and passion in your communication? These characteristics capture people's attention and help them to connect with their own passion. Even something as simple as saying 'hello' to a friend can be 'charismatic' and demonstrate clearly how pleased you are to see them or be muted. That 'hello' may then set the tone for the interaction and, if it is the first time you have met, the rest of the relationship.

However, all that expressiveness wears pretty thin if people get the message that, in the end it is all about you. That you want all the limelight. Truly charismatic people also know when and how to give their attention to others. They listen intently. Their non-verbals show that they care about hearing your opinion and are moved by what you say.

So, if you aren't naturally expressive, would it be fake to adopt these characteristics?

I think, it depends on the reason you want to become more memorable and engaging. Does it align with some deeply held values? Perhaps you want to connect more deeply with the people you meet? Perhaps you want people to have a better experience when they interact with you?

When a change in behaviour is about becoming more like the person you want to be, then it might feel fake at first but over time it feels more and more like an expression of the 'real you'.

Would You Kill Hitler? Some Thoughts on Kids and TV

2011-11-21T17:30:00.001+10:00

’If you could go backin time, would you kill Hitler?’ A few months ago my 16 year old daughterand I were having dinner with some friends and we started to discuss thisquestion. My response was ‘Yes, I thinkthat killing is wrong but think of the lives you could save’.

My daughter, Ellie, however, came up with a much morethoughtful answer, she said, ‘No, because Hitler has had such a huge impact onthe world. Killing Hitler would change history and we don’t know in whichdirection. Someone else may have taken over the Nazi party and the Nazi’s mighthave won the war. What Hitler did has served as a warning to us of what peopleare capable of. It taught us of the dangers of racism and prejudice. We don’t knowhow the world would be changed if Hitler had been killed.’

I was gobsmacked. Wheredid this complex reasoning come from?Had she covered this in school? No. She got this from watching Dr Who. Ellie said that she learnt from Dr Who that thereare points in time which can’t be changed because changing them changes thewhole course of history.

Todd Kashdan wrote a great post on differentiating the form of a behaviour, in this case, watchingtelevision, from the function. Television can just be Valium for our kids – keeping them quiet whilst we havea break (and sometimes we do need a break!) - but it can also be thought provoking. It can help to buildmaturity, perspective taking and reasoning skills.

I think that our job as parents is to get involved – to sitand watch the shows that interest our children and then talk about whathappened. But (and this point is important) we need to show genuine interest in their view. It can’t be like those cringe worthy ‘teachingmoments’ they have in sitcoms where Mum says, ‘And what have we learnt from that?’. Instead we need to be curiousand treat their opinion as valid. If we do that, I think we can make the mostof that incredible window on the world that sits in the corner of the loungeroom.

9 Reasons Why People Get Rejected for Being Too Nice

2011-11-17T06:10:00.000+10:00

Sometimes people tellme that they seem to be repeatedly rejected by potential partners because they are 'too nice'.

This is confusing and leaves the recipient of this feedback wondering whether they need to become less nice if they are to attract a partner.

I think that it is actually rare that the problem is that the person is too nice.

Instead, if this happens to you, it might be helpful to consider the following questions:

You might have a tendency to choose damaged people who are uncomfortable when they are treated well. If this happens recurrently then you might need to pause and get some help to develop a more workable approach to relationships.
Perhaps you are creating an unpleasant feelingof obligation in the other person because you always do more for them than they do for you? This is called a reciprocation debt.
Are you inadvertently communicating a sense that you arenice because you lack confidence in yourself? You don't think you are worthy of love unless you are being nice all the time.
Are you avoiding expressing your needs and wants? This means that the other person has to do a lot of work guessing what you really want and never gets the opportunity to be generous to you. (for example: If you are assertive and tell me that you want to watch a different TV show to the one I want to watch, then I can say 'Let's watch your show' and feel good about my generosity - giving tends to make us happier than getting) .
Do you avoid making decisions? It is tiring for your partner to always be the one making the decision.
Are you toopassive? Do you ever make the first move? If you don't take this risk, is it because you want to avoid being rejected?
Do you avoid expressing passion and tend to stay safe? (read this poem!)
Do you use 'being nice' as a way of avoiding authenticity? Perhaps you aren't willing to be vulnerable?

I think that a lot of these behaviours are about trying to avoid the risk of rejection. Sadly, when our focus is on avoiding emotional pain rather than on genuine, authentic connection we actually often seem to make it more likely we will be rejected.

My suggestion here is to get some clarity about who you want to be in a relationship. Decide on your relationship values. Then work out how 'being nice' fits with those values. When we are being kind, generous and compassionate as an expression of who we truly want to be in the world it feels quite different to when we are 'being nice' to try to avoid rejection or risk.

How to Be More Attractive

2011-11-11T19:05:00.000+10:00

Research has shown that only a small proportion of our attractiveness is determined by fixed physical qualities. This is good news!
So how can you make the best of yourself?

Be kind and likeable - according to David Sloan Wilson (and common sense!) we find people we like, more attractive. If you aren't sure how likeable you are, then take the free IPIP- NEO personality test and check out your score on agreeableness.
Present yourself well - clean, well-groomed, nice hair, nice clothes, healthy weight
Be trustworthy but not boring. If you think you might be boring then read this poem - I guarantee that if you live your life in this way, you won't be boring!
Be happy, positive and friendly
If you are a woman - wear your hair long and wear subtle make up
If you are a man - go to the gym and get muscular!

Much of this post is drawn from this blog on the science of attraction.

The Invitation

2011-11-07T18:36:00.002+10:00

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Itdoesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

Ifyou can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

Iwant to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

Iwant to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

© 1995 by OriahHouse, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto,Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0

Taking Our Needs Seriously

2011-10-07T20:11:00.002+10:00

Sometimes we minimise or invalidate our own needs. When we are tired, we don't rest. When we are hungry, we don't eat. When we are sad, we tell ourselves not to be so stupid. What would it be like if we treated our needs with kindness?
Sometimes we can't get our needs met right away. 'Although I am tired, the baby is crying, so I better push on through' or 'I am feeling so sad, I really need a hug but none of my friends are around' or "I need to debrief my day but you are clearly really busy, so I will wait'
Just because we decide to treat ourselves with kindness doesn't mean we will get all of our needs met but perhaps life would be a little gentler? And perhaps that would be a good thing?

Your Brain Has Two Routes to Happiness

2011-09-09T18:11:00.000+10:00

At the level of brain chemistry it seems there are two types of happiness:

Feeling emotionally secure, calm and peaceful.
Feeling excited, seeking achievement or 'resources' (money, possessions, food, sex etc)

The first type of happiness tends to arise most commonly when we feel cared for or we show caring to ourselves or others. When we feel we belong and are accepted.

The second type of happiness arises when we pursue goals - at work, playing sport, shopping etc.

The first (feeling calm and safe) is associated with increased wellbeing. If you struggle to feel calm, peaceful and safe the best route seems to be to build self -compassion. One way of moving towards self compassion is to practice loving kindness meditation.

Responding with Curiosity

2011-08-27T08:25:00.003+10:00

Coert Visser recently wrote a great blogpost about how solution focussed therapists respond to client 'resistance' (for example when clients make comments like 'This isn't working', 'I don't agree', 'That wouldn't work for me'). A solution focussed therapist views this 'resistance' differently to most other therapists. They see 'resistance' as an attempt by the client to make the therapy more useful and so they respond with openness and curiosity ('Tell me what it is about what I am doing that isn't working for you?').

I love this approach. It is so respectful and ultimately more effective than the approaches taken by many therapists of:

Analysing what this 'resistance' means
Implying that the client isn't committed to change
Suggesting that this is a way of avoiding 'doing the work'
Taking it personally and getting defensive!

I think that this approach of curiosity is useful in other areas of life. When my partner or co-worker or child 'resists' me - could I pause a moment, be open to the idea that they might have a point and get curious?

What Do You Want the Next 10 Years to Be Like?

2011-08-26T19:44:00.001+10:00

In your life, do you:
Get into 'flow'- where you feel so deeply absorbed in what you are doing that you hardly notice time passing?
Do things that feel deeply meaningful to you?
Express and receive love and friendship?
Feel joy?
Achieve things that feel worthwhile to you?

According to Martin Seligman these are the foundations of a life well-lived. If these things have been happening in your life fairly consistently you are likely to be flourishing. If they aren't happening often enough for you - what do you need to do for the next 10 years of your life to be different?

Becoming Less 'Needy'

2011-08-22T19:42:00.001+10:00

Neediness is both a feeling and an action.

We all get the feeling at times but we behave differently in response to the feeling.

So the first step in becoming less needy is to give yourself permission to feel needy. Neediness comes from a desire to be loved and a fear of rejection. These are core parts of being human. Refusing to allow yourself to have these feelings is rejecting your own vulnerable humanity. People who refuse to acknowledge these feelings in themselves can have a tendency to act them out - perhaps by being rejecting, arrogant, demanding or manipulative. It isn't pretty.

The next step is to get a sense of whether your feelings of neediness are out of porportion to the threat in the situation. It might be perfectly reasonable to feel needy if your partner rarely wants to spend time with you and repeatedly compares you unfavourably to a co-worker. This is where you get a chance to test the quality of your friendships. If you ask genuine friends for their honest opinion, they will tell you when you are being unreasonable. If you decide that your needs are reasonable then ask in a straightforward way. Don't drop hints. Don't use it as a test. Just ask directly with kindness and self respect.

'Our relationship is really important to me, I know that you are very busy but I am missing you. Can we come up with a plan so we get to spend more time together?'

Accept that sometimes others can't meet our legitimate needs. But if it is a repetitive pattern, you may need to set some boundaries. For example:

'This is the second time you have cancelled a date at the last minute because you needed to work late with Kelly. I understand that you are busy and under a lot of pressure at the moment but if you don't give me enough notice of the change in plans it is hard for me to make other arrangements. Are you able to either keep your commitments to me or give me more notice of a change in plan? If not, then I think it might be best for me to make my own plans for the weekend without you.If we both happen to be free then we can see each other. I don't want to do that, as I really enjoy being with you but I can't think of another option. '

If, however, you come to the conclusion that your expectations of the other person are unreasonable then you may need to accept the needy feelings without acting on them. Instead, lean in to yourself with compassion and see if you can mindfully let the feelings rise and fall like waves and see if you can find other ways of getting your need for love and companionship met.

2011-08-22T19:14:00.000+10:00

'Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying.'

Christian Furchtegott Gellert

Mindfully Dealing with Anger

2011-08-11T15:39:00.001+10:00

Years ago, when I was a psychiatrist, I used to treat clients for problems with anger. One of the most useful strategies I taught my clients was to get good at noticing when their anger was just starting to rise (say from 4/10 to 5/10) and at that moment to pause and decide what action would be wisest. It worked like a charm. The majority of people with anger issues often let their anger bubble up to 9/10 and then find themselves acting out their rage.

Mindfulness can make this strategy even more powerful. Mindful responses to anger involve becoming really curious about how anger feels in your body. Getting good at noticing those early signs, knowing what 5/10 feels like for you - perhaps it is a tension in your jaw, a slight churning feeling in the stomach? Noticing what your mind does when you are feeling angry - does it rage at the injustice or tell you that it isn't important, don't make a fuss? Mindfulness involves getting good at holding those thoughts lightly and becoming better able to have those feelings without acting them out.

And then choosing what to do next based on values. Who do I want to be in the world? What do I want my life to stand for? How would I express that in my actions in this moment now?

Overcoming Self-Defeating Patterns of Behaviour

2011-08-07T09:04:00.001+10:00

Most of us have some familiar self-defeating patterns of behaviour. It could be:

Eating junk food when stressed or sad
Trying to control other people
Dating people who don't treat us well
Working too hard
Spending too much time sitting watching bad TV
......the list goes on....

Most of us have also spent a lot of time figuring out 'What makes me act in this way?' and sometimes that is helpful. But I want to suggest an alternative strategy based on solution-focussed techniques:

1. Work out what behaviour you would like to do instead. For example: 'When I am stressed, I would like to nurture myself with delicious, healthy food'

2. Decide how that behaviour links to your values. (What you want your life to be about, Who you want to be in the world): I want to look after my body so that I give myself the best chance of living to a healthy old age where I can be a loving Mum, good friend, caring partner and continue to do the things I enjoy.

3. Ask yourself: Have there been any times when I have chosen the preferred behaviour? Have there been times when I have been stressed and I have eaten healthy food? What were the circumstances? What was different about those times? I didn't have to cook alone - I was either with someone who I enjoy preparing a meal with or I bought something easy and healthy that I could just heat up.

4. Could you make that happen more often when you are stressed? Probably.

5. Make a plan.

When I cook a healthy meal, I will do a little extra and put it in the freezer so I can heat it up when I am tired and stressed

If I know I have got a stressful week coming up, I will schedule time to cook and eat with my loved ones.

6. Start with one small step

7. Expect setbacks and lapses and respond to them with compassion

Some Research On the Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation

2011-07-24T17:32:00.001+10:00

I am soon to give a speech on mindfulness in group work at the Institute of Group Leaders Conference in Sydney, so I thought I should pull together some of the recent research on the effects of mindfulness meditation. Here is what I came up with:

http://www.springerlink.com/content/720772266xj33972/ - The effect of mindfulness meditation on stress reduction and rumination

http://www.springerlink.com/content/n26838t52m727u13/ - The effects of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) on health and well being

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/curious/201001/what-maids-teach-us-about-physical-health-and-life-longevity-lesson-in-mindfulne - The benefits of mindfully doing housework

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2007.00032.x/full - Mindful relating in intimate relationships

http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/springer/jcogp/2006/00000020/00000002/art00003 - Mindfulness and Positive Emotion

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ccp/68/4/615/ - Mindfulness based CBT

http://adviceonlifeandlove.blogspot.com/2010/09/mindfulness-and-acceptance-are.html - Mindfulness, acceptance and exercise maintenance

http://adviceonlifeandlove.blogspot.com/2010/12/everyday-mindfulness-v-mindfulness.html - The benefits of every day mindfulness

http://www.webmd.com/ibs/news/20110510/mindfulness-meditation-may-cut-ibs-symptoms - Mindfulness meditation and irritable bowel syndrome

http://www.webmd.com/multiple-sclerosis/news/20100927/mindfulness-meditation-vs-multiple-sclerosis - The effects of mindfulness meditation on well-being in people living with Multiple Sclerosis

http://women.webmd.com/news/20110603/stress-reduction-technique-may-ease-hot-flashes

http://chp.sagepub.com/content/13/1/34.short - Mindfulness for adolescents with learning difficulties

http://www.jimhopper.com/pdfs/Baer2003.pdf - Excellent review of mindfulness training as a clinical intervention by Ruth Baer

Do The Next Right Thing and Let That Be Enough

2011-07-16T11:18:00.003+10:00

"Believe deep down in your heart that you're destined to do great things” ~Joe Paterno

This quote turned up in my twitter stream yesterday. It looks benign. It looks helpful. But it is seriously problematic.

Firstly, it implies that not only is it very important to get our 'beliefs' right but also that we can chose those beliefs. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is a con. We can try really hard to brain wash ourselves. We can repeat positive affirmations over and over. But deep down in our hearts most of us carry a secret - that we aren't good enough. That we are too...something. Too selfish, too weak, too loud, too quiet, too greedy, too boring....if you dig around inside yourself and sit with the discomfort for a moment, you will be able to add your own words.

The brainwashing of our society makes the burden of that secret even harder to bear. Because apparently what we should be doing is believing deep down in our hearts that we are destined for something great. So we have failed before we have even started.

The quote also implies that we are all destined to do great things (as long as we get our thoughts stacked up right). And this is madness. What most of us are destined for is a life of ordinariness - raising children, working for a living, loving our family and friends. I think that chasing success and greatness are actually distractions from the challenge of doing the ordinary stuff well. I suspect that we want that distraction because it is actually really hard to do that stuff well.

I think a better quote would go something like:

'Even on the days when you worry that you are a fool and a failure; be kind and compassionate. Come back to the present moment and do the next right thing. And let that be enough.'

I am paraphrasing Kelly Wilson here: In Appreciation of Crashing, Bliss Following, Hero's Journeying, and Practice.

How about it? Will you join me in doing the next right thing and let that be enough?

(This post first appeared on my other blog: Working With ACT)

Mindful Engagement

2011-07-07T10:41:00.004+10:00

We can so easily half engage with the people we love. We listen to the same anecdotes over and over and it is easy to become bored and impatient. But we also know that kind attention at these times is a gift and a genuine act of love.
Russ Harris suggests mindfully engaging with our loved ones. This includes, observing with openness and curiosity, as if you are seeing it for the first time:

Your loved ones expression. See if you can trace what they are expressing with their face. Watch the movement of their lips, the lines and creases that come and go as their expression changes.
Their body language. How do they move their arms, legs, hands, feet, body? How do they hold their body as they talk?
The rhythm and sound of their voice. The words they use. The subtle changes in tempo and tone.

Your mind may distract you with it's stories and judgements - mindfully bring your attention back to this moment now, with this person. This person you love.

The Benefits of Planning

2011-07-02T08:55:00.002+10:00

My grandfather wanted our family to have a motto ( I know - I am not the only member of my family who can be a little eccentric!) and (Yes it gets worse...) he wanted it to be:

'Do not falter, do not shrink. First think out your work, then work out your think'

Like most of Grandad's daft ideas - there is some sense in it. Although the 1930's chirpiness of his chosen motto is a little dated, the underlying idea that it is often a good idea to :

Persist in the face of difficulty
Make a plan, and,
Follow the plan

are very sound. As long as you are also open to changing the plan as new information arises.

Is it a Good Idea to Act Authentically?

2011-06-26T20:26:00.001+10:00

Well, it depends how you define authenticity.

Authenticity can be problematic when we define it as freely expressing our thoughts and feelings. I have made this mistake many times in the past. I believed that it was wrong to hide my true feelings, that it was important for me to be 'honest' with others. The problems with this approach were:

It involved treating my thoughts and feelings as if they were true. I have since come to realise that sometimes they don't reflect the reality of a situation!
It meant that my thoughts and feelings had control of my behaviour.
It meant other people had to deal with my 'stuff' - sometimes that was helpful, at others, frankly, it wasn't.

A better definition of authenticity is when:

Behaviour, goals and values are aligned.
Values are freely chosen rather than imposed by others. They feel like an expression of my best self. The person I really want to be. Working out authentic values can take some time. We have to cut through what we have been taught is good and proper and get to the heart of what is important to us. There are some tips on how to do this here.
I am honest with myself about my thoughts and feelings and then choose what to communicate with others. Hiding from my own thoughts and feelings leads to behaviour that feels inauthentic.

This way of behaving is associated with a number of positive outcomes:

I feel like my behaviour is an expression of my true self - which feels important.
Mindfully noticing my thoughts and feelings and then choosing which ones to act upon provides opportunity for growth.
Aligning behaviour and goals with values increases motivation
Others are more likely to trust me if my behaviour is predictable. Choosing behaviour based on a consistent set of values leads to more consistency than being pushed around by whatever thoughts and feelings show up at any particular moment.

So, yes it is a good idea to act authentically - as long as that means acting in accordance with deeply held values.

For further reading on the research relating to authenticity:

Chapter 11, Character Strengths and Virtues by Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman

Count Your Acts of Kindness

2011-06-16T09:31:00.001+10:00

For the next week, keep a record of the number of times you are kind to others. Otake et al (2006) found that doing this simple activity, for one week, lifted people's levels of happiness for at least a month.
They also found that people who naturally combined this activity with: doing more acts of kindness towards others and feeling more gratitude for kind acts from others towards themselves; experienced even larger increases in happiness:

Teenage Boys and Emotion

2011-06-01T15:12:00.001+10:00

When my son was a teenager, this book was a great source of comfort and wisdom to me. In fairness to Patrick, I do have to acknowledge that he was an easy and delightful teenager who has grown into a lovely man - but this didn't seem to stop me from panicking!

Celia Lashlie spent time listening to teenage boys and discovered some useful information. Here is a quote:

'In time I came to understand that the idea of not needing to talk about some difficult or stressful situation wasn't part of a male conspiracy to keep information away from women - at least not always. Sometimes it is true that males - both adolescent boys and adult men - don't want or need to talk. They just want time to let the conflicting emotions settle until they can make some sense of them and get a grip on what they are feeling. Unlike me, they don't work out what they are feeling by talking about it - they work it out - and then sometimes - talk about it.'

Maths Problems v Sunsets

2011-05-29T16:53:00.001+10:00

I was recently at an ACT workshop run by the amazing Kelly Wilson. He explored some interesting idea's about how our minds work. How we have this endless drive to solve problems - and sometimes this isn't helpful.

One of the wonderful things about ACT is that it is 'open source' - people are pleased if you use their stuff. So a few days later, I tried out Kelly's approach:

I Am Writing This Post Standing Up

2011-05-28T15:38:00.000+10:00

I have been reading about the health benefits of working whilst standing. There is a link between the amount of time spent sitting and mortality - yikes! So I have constructed this ramshackle standing desk and I am giving it a go.

I quite like it so far.

I Wish I Had Looked After My Teeth

2011-05-28T15:23:00.000+10:00

My father is in his 70's. He has been having some problems with his heart recently and after some weeks discovered that an infection in a tooth was making things worse. There is increasing research linking gum disease with heart disease and stroke.

He said to me:'I wish I had taken better care of my teeth. It would have saved me a lot of pain and discomfort. And what is really frustrating is I knew this when I was young and I still didn't do it. In my 20's I had a friend with perfect teeth. He told me that the secret to healthy teeth was:
1. No lollies
2. Clean your teeth after every meal (not just twice a day)
3. Floss every day'

This is good advice. Better go and clean my teeth....

And here is Pam Ayres: " I Wish I Had Looked After My Teeth"

There is No Reliable Way of Spotting a Bad Partner Without Being Hurt a Little

2011-05-20T21:23:00.003+10:00

'There is no reliable way of picking a bad partner before you have been burnt a bit. The key concept is being burnt only a bit, not avoiding getting burnt at all. If you pull out of a relationship the moment you see any possibility of being hurt, you will never have anything that lasts very long. Grown up people know the perfect partner doesn't exist. You need to give someone a reasonable try, as well as a few warnings and options to change. You must give him room to express his own individuality, but if he doesn't seem capable of working out where reasonable limits lie himself, you probably won't be able to teach him'
Julian Short in 'An Intelligent Life"

Expect Trouble as an Inevitable Part of Life...

2011-05-20T19:54:00.000+10:00

'Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.' Then repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all, 'This too will pass'.'
Ann Landers

A List of Useful Dating Articles

2011-05-18T14:04:00.000+10:00

These articles are either genuinely good or written by me (so you will have to be the judge of those ones!)

On handling heartbreak

On flirting:

Flirting and Body language - be quiet and non-threatening until they decide you are 'safe'

The five types of flirting - some are better than others

Evidence based flirting tips - including: when flirting with a man use a direct no-nonsense approach

Becoming more charismatic - or how Bill Clinton does it!

On online dating

More on on-line dating

Women find 'undecided' men more attractive

On choosing the right person:

Date more kind men with shared interests and good values

Don't persist in the hope that you can change them

Be extra careful about your choices when you are feeling lonely

Choose based on what they actually do, rather than what they say they do

How our conversation inadvertently signals whether we are looking for a one night stand or a relationship

Why decisive rather than attractive women end up with the best men

Is it time to settle?

Is there something wrong with me?

And other dating bits and pieces:

How relationships develop - from a male point of view

Dating over 40

If Positive Affirmations Only Help People with High Self-Esteem - What Is a Better Way of Dealing with Low Confidence?

2011-05-08T17:44:00.003+10:00

Do you ever feel bad for having ‘negative’ thoughts? Do you repeat positive affirmations about yourself in an attempt to lift your confidence? At least 50% of us do this regularly and sometimes it does seem to help. However, recent research is suggesting we need to be careful about using this strategy. A group of Canadian researchers found that:

‘When people with low self-esteem repeated the statement, ‘‘I’m a lovable person’’ (Study 2), or focused on ways in which this statement was true of them (Study 3), neither their feelings about themselves nor their moods improved—they got worse. Positive self-statements seemed to provide a boost only to people with high self-esteem—those who ordinarily feel good about themselves already—and that boost was small.’

What seems to happen is that when we repeat a positive self-statement, we tend to assess whether we think it is true or not. If we have a positive view of ourselves, we are likely to accept the statement and perhaps feel slightly reassured. However, if the statement is very different to our view of ourselves then our minds tend to respond with ‘Yeh right! If I am so lovable then why did Jane dump me?’ We are reminded of our failings and hey presto we feel worse.

So, relying on positive self-statements to get us through challenges is a risky strategy.

Some better options when you are about to do something that involves the risk of failure, rejection or disapproval are:

Put effort in to give yourself the best chance of getting it right. Prepare, practice, get the necessary skills. When it doesn’t go well, reflect on your performance and seek feedback so you can learn how to do better next time. Nothing builds confidence like repeated experiences of success.
Adopt a mindful stance to all of your thoughts and emotions. Notice with curiosity, compassion and openness what your mind comes up with. For example, as your anxiety rises say ‘Ah, there is anxiety, I am not surprised anxiety showed up, this is important to me,
Instead of repeating ‘I am confident’, remind yourself of the values that are motivating you to take this action, for example: ‘I am giving this presentation because I want to help people do well in their work’. (Reaffirming values increases performance)
Ground yourself. Notice this moment with your five senses. Connect with what you are doing. Bring your attention to the task at hand and the people with you. Your mind will repeatedly try to pull you away, each time you notice that this has happened, thank your mind (it is trying to help!) and reconnect with this moment.

For more on this topic I recommend The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris

Suddenly Single - A practical strategy

2011-04-25T06:33:00.000+10:00

A couple of years ago I was suddenly single. The heartbreak was awful.

There was one unexpected source of pain. I realised that the person I told my 'boring' stuff to, was my partner and there was apparently quite a lot of it! You know the sort of thing: 'Guess who I saw at the shopping centre...". "And I just couldn't decide between the red and the blue...". "I have finished my book."

My Mum put this more beautifully. She said "Your Dad is the person I call when I am washing up and notice a lovely sunset. He comes over and we stand for a moment and enjoy it together."

When I found myself suddenly single, I was surprised how much pain was triggered by this lack of a person to share those unimportant moments.

My strategy for dealing with this was to start a journal where I wrote all this stuff down. It definitely helped me and I discovered I loved journalling and have kept it up for years now. Even better, I have since discovered is good for me anyway!

Surfing Emotions

2011-04-14T10:12:00.003+10:00

'Emotions have a natural life span. like a wave, they surge, crest, and then recede.

If you have a tendency to avoid painful feelings, trying to numb out or somehow shut off the hurt, you may not appreciate that painful emotions have a limited life span. As pain wells up, you may cut it off before seeing that there is a crest, and beyond it a downward slope. You may not know that even the worst emotions subside - naturally and spontaneously.
Try sticking with an emotion and watching it to see how this works. With time you will learn something about how long they last, and how they morph and soften over time.' from p153 'Your Life on Purpose

Actions v Intentions

2011-04-05T08:44:00.000+10:00

'Remember people will judge you by your actions not your intentions.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg'
Navjot Singh Sidhu

Using Mindfulness to Improve Relationships

2011-03-26T19:53:00.001+10:00

Do you think you know the back of your hand? What do you think it would be like to spend 5 minutes mindfully looking at the back of your hand?

Russ Harris ran this exercise at his recent 'Happiness Trap' workshop. He has a free MP3 of it here if you want to give it a go.

As I did this activity, I discovered that I didn't know the back of my hand at all. I probably haven't really looked at my hand properly since I was a toddler. It has changed somewhat since then! And some of the miracles that fascinated me when I was tiny are still there - look at your knuckles, they are amazing!

How does this relate to relationships?

Over time, we become accustomed to the important people in our lives. We assume we know who they are. It is easy to stop really hearing or seeing them. What this activity taught me was to really work to be present and curious with the people I love. And every time I forget, I notice the back of my hand and remind myself that if I love this person then they deserve my mindful attention.

Working out if you need to date more people in order to find Mr or Ms Right

2011-03-19T17:23:00.003+10:00

I recently asked my sister, Rebecca, for some dating advice. Here is her response to one of the questions I asked her.

Am I having trouble finding Mr or Ms Right because I haven't dated enough people?

Rebecca:
Quote: ‘If you were to give me forty such men I never could be so happy as you. Till I have your disposition, your goodness. I never can have your happiness. No, no, let me shift for myself; and, perhaps, if I have very good luck, I may meet with another Mr.Collins in time.’ (Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice)

Well, I think it's more helpful to ask: 'Have I dated enough of the right type of person for me?' Because personally I turned down at least 50% of the guys who asked me out. You could date a hundred thousand narcissists and be nowhere near happiness. In fact you'd probably be somewhere near suicidal... But if you date forty good kind men who have similar interests and values to you, then amongst them you will find a match for your soul, whereas if you'd only dated three of them, you might not.

So how come so many nice guys asked me out? Firstly and I think most importantly - I like nice men. This gives me a dating edge as lots of women don't choose them or they choose them but in an 'okay I'll settle for you, you seem like a good bet' kind of way or a 'well, the type of men I find really attractive have kicked me to hell and back, so I shall cling to you like a life raft' kind of way. Neither is exactly flattering or respectful. Whereas I actually like them and find them genuinely attractive - they are my preferred choice - this meant that I was always a rare creature in an under-supplied area. I am moved to ecstasy by the sight of a man doing the washing up. The first thing my husband ever said to me was 'Can I make you a cup of tea?' and I fairly swooned with desire. Secondly - I had rejected other less worthy men who asked me out, so I was single and available to be offered tea. Thirdly - I make the best of myself. Being beautiful isn't worth much in dating - look at all the beautiful celebrities and how short-lived and unhappy their marriages are and how they struggle to find love. Think of the truly great beauties - Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor and all the people in celebrity magazines today... Are they well-known for their happy stable relationships? No, the perfect body or face is no help at all. It's not what you're born with, it's how you work it. Dressing well and wearing make up etc shows self-respect. It is not the same as dressing in a sexually available way that sends out the signal 'open to all comers'. And it's not the same as natural beauty which can be a curse as much as a blessing. Being well-dressed and taking a bit of care is attractive. Then if you also listen attentively to what your date has to say whilst finding them attractive for who they really are, rather than who they might be with a few 'improvements' - that seems to be a potent mix! So on this one I'd say 'Make sure you're dating the right sort of person for you - same values, similar interests, fundamentally kind. Then, and only then, date as many as it takes to find the right one and gently but promptly let go of the wrong ones.'

Is there something wrong with my dating choices?

2011-03-19T09:12:00.000+10:00

After a series of disappointing relationships, people often ask themselves 'Is there is something wrong with my choices?'. I asked my lovely sister, Rebecca, for her thoughts on this. Here is her response:

Rebecca:

Quote 'When you're in a hole, stop digging'

Ladies and Gentlemen... It's this one. Look no further, because this is the one. 99% of singles I know, when they tell me their tales of woe, this is what was wrong - they chose the wrong person and then flogged that dead horse shouting: 'Run, you bugger, run!' when everyone around them could see that it was pointless. Not ending the relationship quickly enough when it's not right. Clinging on to someone with an idea of what he 'could be'. A romantic partner is not a renovation project, and it is disrespectful to not love them as they actually are - loving an image of who they might be one day is not the same thing as loving them, and they deserve to be with someone who really loves them. Until you get out of the way, they won't have that opportunity.

As for choosing the same type of wrong person over and over again - it's like an addiction. First - recognise the addiction, the 'type' who is toxic for you, write down every behaviour they do, specific things they say, excuses they make, and your usual response. Then, the next time you are asked out/meet someone, take it much, much slower and look for the clues. Don't make excuses. Excuses sound like this: 'Well, he did drink quite a lot on that third date, but he was fine on the first and second, so it's probably not my old pattern, and he didn't actually vomit on me or anything...' or 'Okay, he commented on my eating dessert and said that he generally likes slimmer women than me, and that I'd be pretty if I just lost a bit of weight, but then later on he said a few really nice things, so I shouldn't overreact.' or 'He talked about his ex-wife for over two hours, but he said that he's over her, and he seemed sincere when he said it'.

If they do something that's on your list, then you have to walk away like an alcoholic putting down a beer glass. And like an alcoholic, you'll be thinking 'Oh, I'm making a big deal of nothing, I shouldn't be walking away, this isn't really addiction, I'm over-dramatising'. And like an alcoholic, the addictive desire will be at its height at this moment, so check in with some support, tell yourself 'I'll just wait 24 hours before acting on anything.' And then wait another 24 hours after that. If the pattern is really destructive (alcoholics, abuse, narcissists etc.) then I'd recommend taking a whole year out from dating and consider going to SLAA - learn to live without the addiction for a year before trying to find someone who isn't an addiction. I have to say, from my own experience, this has the advantage of making you desperately attractive. I once took 18 months off dating for my own reasons. During my 18 months off, I told young men who asked me out 'Actually I'm taking a break from dating. I'm planning to think about dating again in [date]' and they had marked the date in their diary. I woke up to find a queue outside my front door. Sadly I turned them all down.

Answering the three questions we ask when dating is going badly

2011-03-18T09:08:00.003+10:00

I am about to run a workshop on 'Dating in Mid-life' at The Relaxation Centre of QLD. Hence the recent flurry of relationship/dating related posts.

When dating isn't going well, people (including me!) tend to ask themselves:

1. Is there something wrong with me?

2. Is there is something wrong with my choices?

3. Have I dated enough people?

My younger sister, Rebecca, is unusual in two respects:

1. She has dated a lot of genuinely lovely men

2. She is now very happily married

So I asked for her response to these questions. Here is her answer to the first question: 'Is there is something wrong with me?' (She will address the other two questions in the next two posts).

Rebecca:
I would challenge this question with: 'But am I truly happy with myself?'. So for instance 'Are men/women being put off by my constant criticism of them?' If the answer is 'yes' then: 'Do I want to be a constantly critical person, is it making me happy?' Or for instance 'Am I sabotaging the relationship by 'testing' men/women too much?". If 'yes' then: 'Is my distrust of men/women making me happy?'.

Probably not in both cases.

So make decisions to change from the basis of your own happiness, without any attachment to the idea that it will help with dating. Taking another contrasting idea 'Women are put off because I'm overweight', but then 'This is my natural weight and dieting makes me miserable' If it is, then changing it in order to be attractive to women will lead to resentment, and inevitable disappointment. Or 'Men are put off because I earn more than them and I am clever.' and then 'But I like my job and do I really have to play dumb?' In both cases, changing the 'something "wrong" with me' is actually moving away from happiness. That's the crucial test.

Being happy helps with dating, but it should be an end in itself, and changing something in yourself with an external instead of an internal motivation never really works. A commitment to personal growth and honest self examination is part of good mental hygiene, and should be done as reguarly as brushing your teeth, if only to ensure that you are living deliberately. Dating may be one of the many prompts towards personal growth, but 'it's all just learning' as a dear friend always used to tell me!

Living On Purpose

2011-03-17T09:13:00.001+10:00

'You can approach your life as if your purpose is just to get by until the clock runs out, or you can work to make something of every moment you have. There are really only two ways to go here. Both are choices. Only you can make the choice to live your life on purpose. Will you?'

How to Become More Secure

2011-03-05T14:41:00.001+10:00

Attachment research is currently a hot topic in psychology. Apparently we can be divided into three attachment styles:

Secure – Warm; comfortable with closeness and intimacy; find it easy to express loving feelings. Tend to have positive feelings about themselves and their partners.
Anxious - Worry about whether their partner loves them enough and whether they might be abandoned. Tend to be preoccupied with the relationship. Tend to be highly vigilant for signs of lack of approval from their partner and can become overly dependent. They can respond impulsively to their feelings of anxiety.
Avoidant – Feels uncomfortable being close, fears losing their independence. If they get rejected they will tend to distance themselves. They can either be dismissive, and see themselves as not needing close relationships, or fearful and have feelings of ambivalence; both wanting and avoiding closeness at the same time.

Our attachment style is learnt in our early interactions with our parents. Secure parents tend to raise secure children, unpredictable parents tend to raise anxious or avoidant children. However, later experiences can influence our attachment style – lots of rejection or disappointment in relationships can tend to make us more anxious and avoidant; which in turn can make rejection and disappointment more likely. A long term secure relationship can lift our levels of security.

You can take a test here to find what your attachment style is.

Understanding your style and the style of your partner (or prospective partner) can be incredibly useful. If I know I have a tendency to be anxious or avoidant, it might be wise to spend some time considering who I want to be as a partner and then create a 'relationship values statement' for myself (an example of mine is at the end of this earlier post). I can then use Russ Harris’ three questions to help me choose how I will respond when impulses to cling or reject arise. The questions are:

Am I:

1. Moving towards my values or away from my values?

2. Allowing private experience (thoughts, impulses, memories) or avoiding private experience? When we reject or hyper-vigilantly seek reassurance, it is often because we don't want to sit with some painful thoughts or feelings.
3. Connected with the here and now or disconnected from the here and now? Sometimes our impulse to move away is sensible (we are being treated badly) and sometimes it doesn't relate to what is happening in the real world but is more a response to a story our mind has created ('People always leave me in the end', 'When she gets to know me, she will know I am not good enough'). It is invaluable to become skilful at noticing the difference between observable facts and our mind's interpretation of events.

Research on behaviour change suggests that doing some 'If..then' planning can also be useful when we want to adopt a new approach. What this means is that we take some time to think of situations that are likely to trigger the unwanted behaviour and plan an alternative approach. For example: My partner calls and says he is feeling tired and cancels our date, I feel rejected and become anxious. My impulse might be to become needy 'If you cared about me, you would want to come over' or avoidant 'That is fine, I am busy anyway'. If...then planning involves developing a plan for these situations. So I might plan to respond instead with 'Oh, I was looking forward to spending some time with you. Do you want to spend the evening alone or would you like me to come over to your place?'.

The Happy Couple's Secret Weapon - According to John Gottman

2011-03-03T07:51:00.000+10:00

In his extensive research, John Gottman has found that there are a number of key differences between happy and unhappy couples.

One of these differences relates to the presence of 'repair attempts' during arguments. When happy couples argue, if the conflict starts to escalate, one of them will break the tension. They might make a joke, apologise; express empathy or even suggest taking a break from the discussion. In happy couples the other partner responds positively to a repair attempt - treating it as a genuine effort to make things better.

The key here is that this is a two step process:

one of the pair makes a peace offering
the other person notices it and responds positively.

How Relationships Develop - from a Male Point of View

2011-02-22T13:11:00.002+10:00

I have expressed my doubts about this book previously - so I won't go on about it again. But I am compelled to share some more information from MrMolloy's book that you might find useful.

His survey suggests that for men there are nine stages in a relationship, here are the first six:

Stage 1 - Living up to Expectations
We make assumptions about what someone is like based on our first impressions. The question here is - does she live up to those expectations? If the answer is no - then he won't call again. Sorry about that.

Stage 2 - Getting to Know You
In this stage men are interested in finding out:

Does she enjoy male company? (Women with brothers and male friends get asked on more follow up dates.)
Does she want to have a good time or is she too preoccupied with impressing her date to enjoy herself?
Is she good-natured, friendly and positive but assertive? Does she tend to happily go along with his suggestions - but if she doesn't want to, then she expresses her views firmly and clearly?
Does she show genuine interest in him?
Is she kind?

Stage 3 - Needs and Lifestyles

In this stage the couple are working out whether their interests and lifestyles are compatible?

Stage 4 - Steady Dating

The couple now go out for regular dates together - after about 4-6 dates men see themselves as in a 'dating relationship' (whereas women tend to see themselves as in a relationship after 2-3 dates - anyone see a problem here?)

Men and women also differ in when they think they have transitioned from casual dating into a monogamous relationship.

Stage 5 - Romancing the Woman
During this stage, men put lots of energy into pleasing the woman. Pleasing her, pleases him.

Stage 6 - Getting Comfortable
This is the slopping around in pyjama's phase. The couple start to spend more time together. They start to be themselves, to try less hard. He may seem to be taking her for granted. Women can inadvertently respond to this by trying hard to please the man, in the hope that this will make him realise how special she is. Molloy advises against this. He suggest women need to be kind and assertive. He also advises women to clarify at this stage whether the man sees the relationship as serious. Women can assume his behaviour means he has made a commitment to her - but he might just be feeling comfortable!

Stage 6 - Committed Couplehood
They pair start to see themselves as a couple. They prioritise the relationship. They make small sacrifices to please the other - she watches football with him, he goes to her friend's party and works hard to be interested in the conversation. They hang out together. They are affectionate to each other. As the relationship progresses, they share confidences and keep each others secrets.

Couples over 40 have a tendency to move through these stages more quickly than younger couples. They are often monogamous after the first date and can get comfortable after two months. However, in older men, this does not necessarily signal a long term commitment to the relationship - which can cause problems, as women may interpret this stage differently and then feel aggrieved when they discover that he sees things differently.

There are a lot of models for how relationships progress but I have to say that this one seems to most reflect my real life experiences. How about you?

Dealing with The Valentines Day Blues

2011-02-14T09:02:00.002+10:00

Valentines Day almost inevitably draws our attention to our romantic relationships. All the hearts and flowers and hoopla have the tendency to make our minds compare the current level of romance in our lives with what we want that part of our life to be like.

If there is a gap between what we want and what we are experiencing then we feel sad, hurt, sometimes even angry.

So how to deal with that pain? Here are some tips:

Acknowledge that it is reasonable to feel pain when an important aspect of your life isn't the way you want it to be. This doesn't mean you are weak or don't have the right attitude. It means that you are human.
Be very kind to yourself. This is a time for self compassion. And when you are ready...
Spend some time thinking about what you want. But here is an important twist. Instead of focussing on what you want Prince or Princess Charming to be like, focus on what qualities you want to bring to a relationship. What sort of partner do you want to be?
Now think about how you could live at least some of those values straight away. See if you can keep gently bringing your attention back to the question 'Am I living my values?' rather than 'Is my life the way I want it to be?'
And when you do find a possible Prince or Princess Charming, notice whether being around them seems to make it easier or harder to be the person you want to be. If living those values is really difficult with this particular person, then, for you, they may just be a frog.

Here is an excerpt from my own romantic relationship values statement:

I want to be affectionate, kind, authentic and curious. I want to laugh easily and look for opportunities to have fun with my partner. I want to resolve disagreements with grace. I want to express my wants and needs directly and accept that sometimes my partner will need to say 'no' to meeting those wants and needs. I want to look for opportunities to do things that are likely to make my partner happy and also I want to know when I need to say 'no' (and say it gracefully). I want to be mindful.....

Do I live those values all the time? Nope. Do I find that using those statements as a compass to guide my behaviour helps me to more often be the person I want to be? Absolutely. And has that made my life better? Well, so far, so good.

Mindful Eating

2011-02-03T09:54:00.000+10:00

Evidence is growing that the best approach to healthy eating is to eat mindfully.

So I am giving it a go. I read recently that flavour is composed of taste, smell, texture, appearance and temperature. So I am working on noticing all of these components when I eat.

This morning I started to eat this:

and when I really focussed on the sensation in my mouth I noticed that although it was sweet it was also quite floury and claggy in my mouth. ('Claggy' means 'stickily clinging' to those of you who weren't brought up in Derbyshire). I had one mouthful and went looking for something else.
This is what I chose:

The berries were a taste sensation - smooth and firm on the outside, explosions of taste when I bit into them.

So my conclusion

Mindful eating is fun!
Mindful eating helps me to question my unconscious rules about what I like to eat. Which is a good thing!

How to Handle Heartbreak

2011-02-02T21:48:00.002+10:00

I am going to be running a half day session at The Relaxation Centre of Queensland on 'Dating over 40'.

One of the topics I will be dealing with is handling heartbreak. I have experienced utter searing heartbreak three times in my life. Three times, I have been so overwhelmed with the pain of loss that I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. But here I am loving again with an open heart. In the full knowledge that I may well experience that pain again – frightened of that pain but still willing to risk it.

So what helped me get through those dark nights of the soul?

I am deeply ambivalent about Paul McKenna with his ‘I can make you…’ promises and his disconcertingly sleazy hypnosis voice. However this book really helped me. He gives brilliant practical tips. Like suggesting moving the furniture around, so you aren’t eating your breakfast in exactly the same spot with only one difference, the loved one isn’t with you (I was very surprised by how effective this one is!). He also explains how part of the pain of heartbreak is that your brain is suffering withdrawal symptoms from 'love chemicals' and so you are a bit like a coke addict coming down – knowing this made me less worried that I was going crazy!

Linda Richman writes about how our loved ones get distressed about our distress and so they want us to be strong and positive. But what we really need is to 'scream and cry and fall apart'. She suggests letting yourself have the odd doona day where you just let yourself be utterly sad, watch sad movies and cry. But, and this bit is important, after 2 days you get up, get dressed and get on with life again.

Russ Harris draws on ACT and writes that struggling against pain tends to make things worse. Instead make space for the pain and lean into yourself with compassion. Honour the pain as a sign that this was an important relationship. That this is part of living a rich and meaningful life. Connect with what this tells you about what is important to you.

During those fierce times I become particularly aware of how blessed I am in my friends and family – My dear family in England who listened to me sob when I phoned them at 3 am Queensland time. A couple of dear friends who were willing to rock me whilst I cried and didn't try to change how I felt. The friends who listened to me go over and over the story until even I was sick of it. My kids who were so confident that I would be happy again and distracted me with jokes and hugs and their need for me to focus on some one other than myself.

I am really interested to hear your thoughts. What has helped you get through heartbreak?

How to Break Out of Limiting Self Beliefs

2011-01-30T07:06:00.000+10:00

'It's part of the human condition that we create stories about ourselves and the world around us. Our stories are often filled with limitations, and we proceed to live our lives inside those limitations.' Kelly Wilson & Troy Dufrene

If we can learn to hold all of our stories lightly - good and bad, true and false - then we can start to be able to take important actions even in the presence of thoughts that are telling us: 'You aren't smart enough. You aren't pretty enough. You don't know enough'.

The important thing here is not to take action in a rigid, bare knuckles kind of way but instead take action from a place of self compassion. Holding that part of ourselves that is feeling scared and vulnerable with kindness whilst still doing what is important.

Making It Fun!

2011-01-30T06:38:00.000+10:00

There is a growing public health movement to encourage people to do the right thing by making it fun.
Here is an example of how people will climb the stairs rather than take the escalator - if it is fun:

There are more examples here.

We don't have to use high tech equipment to make this work in our own lives. For example: I have stuck at Pilates longer than any other exercise class (more than 5 years!) Why? I wish I could say it was because it is so good for me. Even though this is true, I know the real reason I keep going is because I go to a class at my neighbour's house and get to chat and laugh with my neighbours whilst I exercise.

What Would The Very First Step Look Like?

2011-01-20T21:02:00.000+10:00

Many of my fellow Queenslanders are dealing with the aftermath of the recent terrible flooding. I am intensely proud of the courage, grace and generosity of the people in my adopted state. And I have some 'survivor guilt' about my own clean, dry house.

Friends have told me about returning to homes thick with sticky, smelly mud - everything ruined.

So what did they do when overwhelmed by the enormity of the task in front of them? They started with the first step.

Solution focussed therapy uses this approach - when trying to do something hard, break it down into tiny, tiny steps and then just focus on doing the very first step.

Using the 'Dependency Paradox' to Make Yourself More Attractive

2011-01-17T17:51:00.036+10:00

I'm starting with three assumptions here:

Being needy is usually unattractive to emotionally healthy people
We all get needy at times
We tend to get especially needy when we are anxious that our needs aren't going to get met.

In Scientific American Mind, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explore the ‘dependency paradox’. They found that the more people can depend on their partner, the more ‘independent and creative’ they become. This is a bit like how little children with reliable parents tend to feel secure and are more confident about venturing into the world. They know that Mum or Dad will still be there when they return, so they can happily explore.

Levine and Heller’s finding is important – it resonates with my third point. In a cruel twist of fate, when we most want to find someone who will love us; when we feel desperate and dateless; it is then that we are at our least attractive. Potential partners can sense our neediness (even if we try to hide it) and run a mile.

We know that neediness isn’t attractive (except to rescuers, and that never ends well). And we also know that being dateless seems to make us more needy. Aaargh!

So what is to be done? Common advice here is to become comfortable with being alone. But I think that Levine and Heller's research suggests that it might be wiser to acknowledge that our needs aren't being met and make practical plans to deal with this.

Regular readers will be unsurprised to discover that I think that Mindfulness might be helpful here. When needy feelings arise, notice them with compassion. Don’t try to squish them away or tell yourself you are wrong to feel that way. We all feel needy at times. This is a time to be very, very kind to yourself. Then decide – Shall I ask for some support from a loved one (again with an attitude of openness – they are allowed to say ‘No’) or shall I soothe myself? If you aren't good at soothing yourself, then I recommend this book.

I have been critical of therapy in this blog. However, I think that for some people, a long term supportive relationship with a reliable and compassionate therapist can be incredibly helpful. The trick here is to discern helpful from unhelpful therapy. Consider the question: ‘Does my relationship with this therapist make me feel less or more needy?’ Levine and Heller report that:

‘Most men and women are as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, they usually turn their attention outwards’.

Sometimes good therapy can enable people who are prone to neediness to feel a little more secure. This lessening of their needy behaviour then allows others in their life to feel safe to be more supportive and creates a virtuous cycle.

Creatively getting unmet needs met. If there are unmet needs (perhaps for emotional closeness, affection, belonging, praise) in your life that seem to be driving your feelings of neediness, see if you can come up with a creative solution. There is a reason that elderly ladies who live alone have cats! Regular massage lowers stress and improves well being. The research on religion suggests that people who practice their religion by going to Church/the synagogue/the mosque, being part of the community and performing acts of service have improved well being.

The bottom line is, don't just sit there feeling lonely and needy - being alone will probably make you feel worse. Instead, be very, very kind to yourself and know that finding a constructive way to meet those dependency needs will likely make you less needy and more attractive.

The Problem with Therapy

2011-01-14T08:41:00.000+10:00

I need to start this post with an admission - I am one of the most 'therapised' people I know. Individual, couples, family, Jungian, CBT, New Age - the list of therapists and modalities goes on.

But I now believe that there is a problem with therapy as it is practised by most therapists. Most therapy is based on a story that goes something like - talk to me about your problems and I will diagnose what is wrong with you and fix it. You will then be well and happy. This is a comforting story for both therapist and client. In my opinion though it contains some important traps. Firstly, it is disempowering. If I buy this approach I have to believe that (a) I am broken, and, (b) I need an expert to fix my brokenness. Secondly, it holds a false promise - that healthy people don't have minds that tell them they aren't good enough or feelings of fear, vulnerability or anger that push them to run, fight or eat another doughnut (anything to smush away the pain). And quite frankly this promise isn't true.

The approaches that have affected me most profoundly in my life, work from a different world view:

Solution focussed therapy - let's explore what is going right and see if we can amplify it.

Positive Psychology - let's see what happens when you do the things that people who are thriving are doing.

Acceptance and Commitment Training - let's focus on helping you act on the values you hold deep in your heart and accept that sometimes moving towards those values will provoke scary chatter from your mind and even painful emotions.

These approaches have a lot of evidence to support them and are the basis for much of the advice in this blog.
If you want to try them, here are some starting points:
Solution Focussed Approaches: What Went Right
Positive Psychology: The Well Being Equivalent to Eating 5 Fruit and Vegetables
Acceptance and Commitment Training: When I am 80

What Went Right

2011-01-14T08:30:00.000+10:00

As you review last year and plan for this one. Take a moment to think about what went right.
Which relationships went well? What did you do to help that happen?
Which moments were most beautiful? What did you do to help create those moments?
Which achievements are you most proud of? What did you do to reach those goals?

Thanks to @wheretheclientis for reminding me of this question.

Goals That Increase Well Being

2010-12-27T06:14:00.002+10:00

It is coming up to New Year. So here is a finding that gives some clues as to what might be wise to include in our New Year’s resolutions – if we want to increase our level of well being!

Park, Petersen and Seligman found the following values to be consistently associated with life satisfaction:

Hope (optimism, future-mindedness, future orientation)
Zest for Life (vitality, enthusiasm, vigor, energy)
Gratitude (awareness and thankfulness of good things)
Capacity to Love and be Loved (valuing close relationships)
Curiosity (interest, novelty seeking, openness to experience)

Whatever goals you set yourself - see if you can weave in at least one of these values.

Vulnerability and Connection

2010-12-26T12:51:00.002+10:00

Truly wonderful TED talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability and connection.

She describes her research on 'the whole hearted'. She found that they demonstrate:

the courage to be imperfect
compassion - for self and others
connection to others as a result of authenticity
willingness to fully embrace vulnerability as a necessary part of a life well-lived.

'In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen....really seen'

Everyday Mindfulness v Mindfulness During Sitting Meditation

2010-12-24T21:01:00.004+10:00

Everyday mindfulness involves maintaining an ‘open, accepting, present focus of attention during day-to-day life.’ It seems to be a life enhancing approach, but do you need to be good at mindfulness meditation to be able to focus on the present in your day to day life? And do they have the same benefits?

This paper starts to explore this topic. The authors found little relationship between levels of everyday mindfulness and being able to be mindful during meditation.

The authors also looked at the relationship between personality factors and mindfulness. They report that both 'everyday mindfulness' and 'mindfulness during meditation' are associated with greater ‘openness to experience’ (being curious, interested in new ideas and tending to seek new experiences).

Everyday mindfulness was associated with

· lower levels of neuroticism, (a tendency to experience more intense and more persistent painful emotions), and,

· higher levels of agreeableness and conscientiousness.

However, this study didn’t find a relationship between mindfulness during meditation and levels of neuroticism, agreeableness or conscientiousness.

What is unclear is whether being good at everyday mindfulness leads to less neuroticism and more agreeableness or whether people who are more neurotic and agreeable find it easier to be mindful in their daily lives. My pick is that it is a bit of both.

My point here is maybe, just maybe, we can become nicer and less neurotic by putting energy, moment to moment, into being present and accepting. And, although mindfulness meditation seems to be very good for us perhaps my favourite meditation teacher is right - the important thing is to just turn up rather than worry too much about getting it 'right'?

My suggestion about everyday mindfulness is to take the IPIP-Neo (free here) to discover how neurotic and agreeable you currently are. Then focus on building your levels of everyday mindfulness and see what happens.

Another Reason to Build Self-Compassion

2010-12-22T18:10:00.004+10:00

A new study just published in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders has found that Self-compassion is a better predictor than mindfulness of symptom severity and quality of life in mixed anxiety and depression

‘Self-compassion predicts 18–44% of variance in anxiety, depression, worry, and quality of life’

In this community sample of people seeking self-help for 'anxious distress', self compassion had ten times more impact on the level of anxiety, depression, worry and quality of life than did mindfulness.

To put this study in context, the authors used the MAAS mindfulness scale and the self compassion scale in the comparison.

Some experts in mindfulness view the MAAS as only focussing on one aspect of mindfulness - 'open or receptive awareness of and attention to what is taking place in the present' - whereas if you look at questions in the self compassion scale it is hard not to imagine it would be associated with well being.

Having said that, this is still a cool piece of research adding to the data suggesting it is a smart idea to foster self-compassion.

There is more information on self-compassion here. And some tips on how to increase your level of self-compassion here.

Is Social Media Use Bad for Teenagers?

2010-12-16T12:16:00.002+10:00

10 million Facebook friendships

The jury is out on this but trying to stop your kids being part of this huge trend is a bit like trying to hold back the tide.

Research suggests that most people aren't using Facebook to make friends with people they have never met. The authors of one recent study on Facebook use in college students found that:

'Students use Facebook primarily to maintain existing offline relationships or to solidify what would otherwise be ephemeral, temporary acquaintanceships'

They also discovered that those students who had low self-esteem and low life satisfaction seemed to find Facebook particularly helpful in building a loose social network that provides information rather than emotional support. However this broadening of their social network may not translate into building an increased number of close friendships. In contrast, more confident students may use social networking sites to build and maintain a range of relationships, including those that provide emotional support.

Loneliness researcher, Sean Seepersad says this:

'Individuals who are successful socially offline, tended to use the Internet in social ways. This includes communicating with offline friends through such programs as instant messaging. Conversely, those who are lonelier, tend to use the Internet in more socially isolating ways, such as for entertainment and surfing the Internet.'

My tips for parents:

Get curious - you are probably a stranger in a strange land when it comes to social networking - ask your teenagers to explain how it all works. If you are worried about safety ask them what they know about how to keep themselves and their information safe - many teenagers are well aware of the risks and a lecture from you will just turn them off exploring the topic with you.
If on-line contact doesn't seem to lead to face to face contact then you might want to offer some very gentle coaching (but first watch this interview on how being obviously supportive can actually be unhelpful).
Be realistic - not all kids are going to be popular social butterflies. The most important issue in determining well being seems to be whether they are happy with the number of friends they have.

Becoming More Like My Ideal Self - The Part of Me that You Bring Out

2010-12-11T07:15:00.002+10:00

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.

— Elizabeth Barrett Browning

We can all relate to this feeling of becoming a better person in the presence of the one we love. In The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Caryl Rusbult, Eli Finkel and Madoka Kumashiro explore this. They state that:

'In harmonious relationships, close partners promote one another’s ideal selves, and each person is likely to move closer to achieving his or her ideals' (Drigotas, Rusbult, Wieselquist, & Whitton, 1999)

So how do we help each other to become closer to our 'ideal' self?

Clarify what your ideal self is like. Who do you want to be in the world? What sort of partner, parent, friend, worker etc? Explore this with your partner with openness and curiosity. You are not trying to change each other but support each other in moving in a freely chosen direction.
Support each other by:

Validating the dream
Encouraging each other to go for it. Often uncomfortable emotions hold us back - realistic encouragement from a trusted partner can make all the difference.
Responding positively to attempts to enact new behaviours in line with those ideals - even if the attempt doesn't get the desired outcome.
Showing compassion when either of you fail to behave in line with those values - whatever you do, don't become the 'values police'.
Acting as if your partner has those qualities already - people tend to live up (or down) to our expectations of them
Displaying the behaviour yourself
Being a supportive voice of reason - when a plan looks doomed to fail, help each other to brainstorm a more realistic but optimistic plan.

Getting Feedback

2010-12-08T20:38:00.001+10:00

Today, my son told me that my hair smelt strange.
Yesterday, my daughter told me that the last paragraph on a recent blogpost I had written didn't make sense. She was right. I changed it.

I think that this makes me very fortunate. I have people in my life who love me enough to tell me the truth in a kind and straightforward way.

Brilliant!

The Complex Psychology of Present Giving

2010-12-07T05:44:00.006+10:00

Sheldon (from The Big Bang Theory) demonstrates the complexity involved in Christmas present exchanges in this funny exchange (sorry they won't let me embed it).

'Penny, you haven't given me a gift, you have given me an obligation' - Sheldon

Fundamentally, if we are to give the 'right' present, we have to make sure that the gift not only says the right thing about:

Who we are (A handmade bag from the Oxfam shop v Perfume from Myer)
How we see the person we are giving the gift to (Someone who cares about less fortunate people v Someone who deserves to be spoilt)
The sort of relationship we have (Close? Intimate? Helpful neighbour? BFF?)

but also, our gift to them has to be of a similar value to the gift they give to us - so we don't set up an uncomfortable reciprocation debt. Aaagh!

I don't feel I do this particularly well. I have conflicting values around wanting to be generous and also wanting to avoid unnecessary consumption/materialism. This conflict tends to paralyse me. At Christmas, I would like to just make a donation to a charity but many of my friends and family don't seem to enjoy that as much as a carefully chosen 'thing' wrapped in shiny paper!

However, what I can tell you, is that spending time giving to others makes us happier for longer than if we spent the time doing something pleasurable for ourselves. So one option is to view the time we spend searching for the ideal gift for our loved ones, as time spent giving to them. I know that when it is really clear that a gift was the result of careful thought, it utterly touches my heart. Another option is to spend less time shopping and stressing, buy them something simple and then spend the time really enjoying their company.

Living on Purpose

2010-12-04T07:37:00.000+10:00

“Figure who you are; then do it on purpose.” Dolly Parton
"Figure out who you want to be; then do it on purpose." Patrick Self

Carrying Our Battle Scars with a Swagger

2010-11-29T18:51:00.000+10:00

Clarissa Pinkola Estes encourage women to make a 'scapecoat' that represents all the wounds, scars, insults and trauma they have endured through their life. To somehow record all the times when they have made poor choices or felt overwhelmed and without hope. She expected women to want to destroy this symbol of so much pain and shame but she discovered that, instead, women want to keep them as 'proof of the endurance, the failures and the victories'. She hung her own scapecoat in her hallway and whenever she walked past it she found herself:

'Admiring the ovarios of the woman who could wear such a coat and still be walking foursquare, singing, creating, and wagging her tail'

Clarissa Pinkola Estes is highlighting a choice here - to hunch over and protect our old wounds or to acknowledge them as part of our rich history and walk with a swagger. I would ask you to add a liberal dose of compassion to either of those choices - it is important to honour our pain.

The Well Being Equivalent of 5 Fruit and Vegetables a Day

2010-11-28T09:45:00.000+10:00

The Foresight Mental Capital and Wellbeing Project aimed to, amongst other things, 'identify the wellbeing equivalent of “five fruit and vegetables a day”.' Based on an extensive review of the evidence they came up with:

1. Connect… with the people around you.

2. Be active… find a physical activity you enjoy that suits your level of mobility and fitness... and do it!

3. Take notice… be curious. Savour each moment. Reflect on your experiences to help you appreciate what really matters to you.

4. Keep learning… try something new. Rediscover an old interest. Set a challenge you enjoy achieving.

5. Give … practice intentional acts of kindness. Show gratitude.

Nice. These truths about how to live a good life are fairly obvious. It interests me how often I need to be reminded of them if I am to actually do them.

I would also add a sixth 'serving' - without this one, the others are pretty meaningless:

6. Develop Psychological Flexibility:

The ability to contact the present moment

fully and without defence

as a conscious human being

engaged in life as it is – not as your mind says it is –

and, based on what the situation affords,

changing or persisting in behaviour

in the service of chosen values (Steve Hayes)

The evidence for the association between psychological flexibility and emotional well being is becoming pretty compelling.

Dance Whilst You Can!

2010-11-27T15:03:00.000+10:00

Mum and Dad in the days
when they would dance all night

My Mum just got invited to a New Year's Eve party and she said to me 'I realised that I wouldn't enjoy it as much as I used to when I was younger because I can't dance all night any more, and I felt sad about that'.
Her advice:

'Make sure that whilst you are fit enough to dance all night, you do it. A time will come when you can't - that time is much easier to accept if you made the most of your health when you had it'.

Taking A Risk to Be Real

2010-11-21T07:30:00.000+10:00

Christian Bale in a recent interview with Esquire Magazine:

BALE: No. All I knew was that there was a whole lot more there that I'd never seen and there was some extreme in the interpretation that should be taken. So I just said, "I just gotta hope that they're gonna go with that, and if they don't, that's not the version I'd like to be involved with anyway." And it's that perverse thing in life, where when you're able to achieve a certain recklessness, you actually end up getting good results. You have to throw everything aside and say, "What the hell, I'm gonna do it this way, and if they don't like it, I wanna do it anyway." It avoids that anxiety of "How do I manipulate this and fake it so that people believe me?" That's never gonna work. So that's the kind of abandonment you gotta have.

Your Mind is Like Google

2010-11-18T06:22:00.036+10:00

My favourite metaphor for how the mind works is Google. You put in some data and...poof!.. your mind comes up with thousands of potential thoughts, images and memories. Google prioritises links based on either a page ranking system which aims to present the most relevant and useful pages first, or, whether someone paid them money. Like Google our brain probably has a complex system for deciding which thoughts to present at the top of the list. However it seems that thoughts containing warnings about potential pain, loss or rejection are a bit like sponsored links - those thoughts and memories tend to get preference.

This metaphor gives us some clues for how to handle our thoughts. When Google presents us with a list of options, we don't have to blindly open the first on the list. We can scroll through the options deciding which is most useful to us.

If one of the links Google offers isn't helpful to us at that moment, we usually just ignore it and focus on the links that are helpful. We don't feel compelled to go through all the unwanted links, posting comments and trying to replace them with better links. We accept that we can't possibly control all the millions of pages on the internet, so we just let them be there and don't give them much attention.

Map of USA Internet

I think we have been sold an unhelpful idea that we have to give lots of energy to changing negative thoughts. Whereas a better approach may be to just let them be there. Accept that this is how minds tend to work and then give attention to what we need to do to create a rich and meaningful life.

Sometimes taking the steps needed to create a rich and meaningful life is going to open up painful thoughts and feelings - this is part of life. Perhaps we can treat ourselves with compassion during those moments rather than installing a firewall that only allows 'positive' thoughts?

If You Want Your Teenager to Tidy Their Room - Do It With Them

2010-11-07T08:29:00.001+10:00

My Mum gave me some great parenting advice recently. She said: 'When I look back on how I raised you, I wish I had realised that it would have been better for me to do chores with you, rather than send you off to do them on your own'.
This is solid advice - most of us get progressively more sad on our own (unless it is a conscious choice to have some 'alone time') and doing chores alone is even worse. But doing chores with family members is important bonding time - time to gently chat whilst doing something useful.

I spoke to a lovely psychologist last week who works with Indigenous Australian youth. He doesn't do formal, sitting in an office, talking about your feelings type sessions with his clients. They head out to the park and do stuff together and, whilst they are kicking a football, moments will arise when the young person shares something important.

So doing those chores with your teenager is a wonderful opportunity to create a space where an important conversation can flower - relish it. They grow up and leave us so soon.

Moving on From the Nature v Nurture Debate

2010-11-07T08:15:00.000+10:00

A really interesting development in the nature v nurture debate - our environment determines which genes get switched on.

Keep Going Until You Stop

2010-10-29T08:56:00.000+10:00

This is really, really good - on lots of levels.

Changing Emotions by Changing Behaviour

2010-10-27T06:54:00.001+10:00

In 1996 Neil Jacobson found that, in the treatment of depression, 'adding cognitive techniques to behavioural activation does nothing to improve outcomes at the end of acute treatment and at two-year follow-up' (Gortner, Gollan,Dobson & Jacobson, 1998) quoted in Kanter et al (2010).

What that means is, during periods of depression, just getting help to get moving again, re-engaging with the world step by step, is a highly effective approach and it isn't actually necessary to change your thinking. That the feelings can follow the behaviour.

'The shortest, most reliable way to change how you're feeling is to change what you're doing. When you feel bad, don't wait to feel good to do what you love. Start doing what you love. Good feelings will likely follow.'
If I had known this a few years ago it would have saved me a lot of time and effort trying to get my thoughts 'right'.

The Near Enemy of Psychological Flexibility

2010-10-26T06:18:00.003+10:00

I recently presented an ACT workshop with NeLi Martin and she spoke about the concept of the 'near enemy'.
In our attempts to become better people the near enemy can actually be more dangerous than the far enemy. For example, the far enemy of compassion is hatred but the near enemy is pity. It is easy to differentiate compassion from hatred but much more difficult to spot the more subtle differences between pity and compassion.
In this blog, I often mention psychological flexibility because it is associated with well being. Steve Hayes defines psychological flexibility as:

The ability to contact the present moment

fully and without defence

as a conscious human being

engaged in life as it is – not as your mind says it is –

and, based on what the situation affords,

changing or persisting in behaviour

in the service of chosen values.

The far enemy of psychological flexibility is 'experiential avoidance' - making inflexible choices that aren't aligned with values and that have the core aim of avoiding painful thoughts, feelings or memories. Experiential avoidance is associated with all sorts of poor outcomes.

But the near enemy is to turn the choice to live a value laden life into a harsh, 'fake it 'til you make it'; 'suck it up'; 'carry on regardless' approach. I think if we want to avoid this near enemy, we need to have a stance of self-compassion when we are doing our best to live our values.

When I am 80

2010-10-20T19:20:00.002+10:00

I recently went to a 'Happiness Trap' workshop run by Russ Harris. One of the exercises we did that has stayed with me was this:
Imagine it is your 80th birthday and three people who are important to you come to see you. You have a special mind reading machine and can tune in to their thoughts and hear what they really think about you - what you meant to them, how you have influenced them, what are their strongest memories of you. What would you want them to think?
Give yourself a moment to drop into those thoughts - who do you really want to be when you grow up?

When I think of my grandmother I think of how easily she laughed; how gentle she was when she told people if they had upset her; how she was still learning to play the violin when she was in her 70's; how she was very quick to give praise; how she didn't sweat the small stuff (she thought ironing and tidying up were a complete waste of time); how she showed us all how very much she loved us.

That seems like a life well lived to me.

If you want to be happy, become more extroverted

2010-10-17T15:42:00.006+10:00

People who score highly for extroversion are more likely to have increases in life satisfaction over time. People who score highly for neuroticism are more likely to have decreases in life satisfaction over time (Headey,2009).

People who are extroverted have a tendency towards: warmth, gregariousness, assertiveness, enthusiasm and feeling energised in company. Whereas people with high Neuroticism scores have a tendency to experience more feelings of anxiety, anger, depression and guilt than those low in neuroticism. People high in neuroticism tend to feel overwhelmed in stressful circumstances; interpret ordinary situations as threatening and have difficulty not acting on urges.

Headey suggests that these differences in life satisfaction as life progresses are because extroverted personality traits are associated with experiencing more positive life events and neurotic personality traits with more adverse life events. Extroverted people tend to build relationships. Being part of a supportive network of people is strongly associated with happiness, so extroverted behaviour makes life better. Whereas, neurotic people tend to get overwhelmed by their painful emotions and often start to avoid challenging situations. Their lives becomes progressively more narrow.

Our personality may not be as fixed as we thought, on average we tend to become less neurotic and less extroverted with age.

So, assuming we want to be happy with our lives, what might this suggest we should do? Here are my suggestions:

Take the free IPIP Neo test to see how you currently score
If you are low in extroversion - accept that you do need time alone to recharge but don't hide away from the world. Introverts who push themselves to become more social become happier. Work out what your values are around relationships with others. Then try to say 'yes' more often to experiences with others that align with those values.
If you are high in neuroticism - practice mindfulness, get good at noticing what is really happening in the world rather than what your mind is telling you is happening. Get good at noticing urges to act in 'neurotic' ways and see if you can sit with the urge and instead act in line with your values.
Show yourself compassion - this stuff is harder for you than for happy-go-lucky, bubbly extroverts.

My personal experience with this? I have been practising ACT (the approach that much of this blog rests on) for several years now and my neuroticism scores have fallen. This is anecdotal - but I am pretty pleased!

If You Want to Improve Your Life Satisfaction

2010-10-17T08:18:00.004+10:00

A large German prospective study, lasting 15 years, suggests that if we want to increase our life satisfaction then we need to:

Focus on becoming more extroverted and less neurotic - more on that in another post
Pursue goals relating to

Family life: building a happy marriage, developing good relationships with our children, and,
Altruism: building friendships, helping others, social and political activism.

Whereas pursuing 'success' goals (career success and material gains) actually leads to decreasing life satisfaction.

It isn't rocket science is it? But there is a lot of cultural pressure encouraging us to put energy into 'success goals' so it is good to keep being reminded that it really doesn't lead to more happiness. However, my instinct is that balance is the key here. I think that we can assume that most of the study participants were working, which actually means that the study found that adding goals around relationships and altruism increased well being.

When all else has been stripped away this remains

2010-10-13T16:44:00.000+10:00

'Your life feels different on you, once you greet death and understand your heart's position. You wear your life like a garment from the mission bundle sale ever after -- lightly because you realize you never paid nothing for it, cherishing because you know you won't ever come by such a bargain again.'- Louise Erdrich

In my twenties I was a junior hospital doctor. The nature of that work is that you spend a lot of time with people who are close to death. And the experience taught me two things - firstly, to cherish life, as you never know when it will end, and secondly, that those who had loved well and put effort into something that they were passionate about seemed to face death with more ease than those who had focussed on gathering wealth and status.

There was a beautiful show on Radio 4 some years ago called 'Advice to the Living' which was advice from people with terminal disease. I still remember one of the people saying:

'Am I loved? Am I loving well? When all else has been stripped away this will still remain'

Advice to live by.

Loneliness makes us more vulnerable to exploitation

2010-10-06T07:17:00.001+10:00

In a game of negotiation, lonely people were more like to accept unfair offers than non-lonely people.
Anita E. Kelly draws the following insight from this study:

'Perhaps we all look back at times in our lives when we put up with abusive behaviors from family, friends, or lovers that we would never tolerate now. We scratch our heads and wonder why we did. Well, maybe it was because we were lonely. And maybe we can forgive ourselves now that we're not.'

This makes a lot of sense to me. Loneliness is very painful for primates.

Many psychologists tell recently single people that they must get used to being alone before they start dating. I have given my take on this in another post. I think that much wiser advice is to put effort into building and maintaining a supportive network of friends and family so that you aren't entering into dating relationships from a place of vulnerability.

The Opposite of Parental Autonomy Support

2010-09-19T12:54:00.000+10:00

I've blogged recently on the benefits of encouraging your teenagers to develop autonomy - this is what the opposite of that feels like.

Why Teenagers Sometimes Respond Unpredictably

2010-09-18T10:15:00.003+10:00

Teenagers 'may process emotions differently than adults'. A team led by Dr. Deborah Yurgelun-Todd at Harvard's McLean Hospital scanned the brain activity of five young teenagers whilst they viewed pictures of faces and worked out what emotions were being felt by the people in the pictures. The study found that the teenagers' amygdala was activated when they did the task. The amygdala is a brain centre that processes emotions and memories. Whereas when adults make these assessments they tend show activity in both the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. The pre-frontal cortex is involved in 'planning complex cognitive behaviors, personality expression, decision making and moderating correct social behavior'.

It is interesting to note that teenagers tend to be much worse than adults at identifying someone's emotion by looking at their face.

This is a small sample but I think what it is suggesting is important. This study suggests that teenagers may be poor at identifying others' emotions because they interpret other people's emotions by noticing their own feelings and perhaps assuming that the other person is feeling the same as they are.

If you think back to what it was like as a teenager - how self-critical you were and how you assumed that others were just as critical of you - this finding makes sense of a lot of teenage behaviour.

So how do we help our teenagers with this? I think we need to challenge the cultural belief that our thoughts and emotions control our behaviour. Steve Hayes has written a great blog post on this.

We need to teach them something slightly different. We need to teach them that thoughts and feelings aren't truth. We need to teach them to notice their thoughts and feelings, notice the urge associated with those thoughts and feelings, and then pause and check in with who they want to be in the world.

And we need to be very, very kind and compassionate - it isn't easy being a teenager....or a parent.

Trying to Avoid Stress is Counter Productive

2010-09-18T09:48:00.000+10:00

A paper by H. Harrington Cleveland and Kitty S. Harris exploring the processes that trigger cravings and prevent some addicts from building a sustained recovery. They found that recovering addicts who deal with stressful social experiences (such as ' hostility, insensitivity, interference, and ridicule' from others) by trying to avoid those experiences, have 'twice the number of cravings in a stressful day compared to persons who use problem solving strategies to understand and deal with the stress.'

'According to Cleveland, the findings suggest the impulse to avoid stress is never going to help recovering addicts because stressful experiences cannot be avoided. "If your basic life strategy is to avoid stress, then your problems will probably end up multiplying and causing you more problems."

On-line Dating - some research and also some thoughts on handling the unpleasant emotions it can trigger

2010-09-18T09:33:00.000+10:00

PsyBlog has a great article on on-line dating.
The highlights are:

'Internet daters are more likely to be sociable, have high self-esteem and be low in dating anxiety'

'Nine out of ten had lied on at least one of the attributes measured, but the lies were only small ones - e.g. shaving 5% off their weight'

The type of photo you use may impact on the level of interaction. 'Photos associated with the longest online conversations were where it showed the dater:

Doing something interesting
With an animal
In an interesting location (travel photo)'

The photo type associated with the least interactions were of the person drinking.

Using positive emotional words 'like 'excited' and 'wonderful', made a better impression on both men and women.'

On-line dating is 'unsatisfying and aversive' for many - reading lots of profiles can feel more like you are screening resumes. However 'this will change as online dating services move towards more experiential methods'.

I had a lot of really positive experiences during my foray into on-line dating, I met some nice people and learnt a lot about myself. And an on-line dating site, RSVP, enabled me to meet lovely Albert (my current partner). However, it was also emotionally really tough. Lots of rejection and disappointment; moments of cynicism after I felt someone had treated me badly; and a few days of addictive 'RSVP checking' that led me to decide to take a break for a while.

I think what was helpful was:

Being clear about what values I was living - for me it was about genuinely wanting to be in a loving, committed relationship (note - it wasn't just about 'being in a relationship' - when defining values, the quality of the behaviour is very important).
Being willing to experience emotional pain in the service of that value and working to keep myself present when painful emotions (fear of rejection, vulnerability, anger, disappointment) arose.
Not losing sight of other important values - demonstrating love and compassion for myself and others; being a good friend; being a present, loving mother; doing work that makes a positive difference in the world.
Knowing that the crazy stuff my mind was doing (e.g. noticing who had looked at my profile and then analysing why they didn't send me a kiss!) is just what the problem solving mind does. Observing that with compassion.
Viewing it as an experiment - a great opportunity to learn about myself and others.

Meeting Online Is Growing in Importance for Meeting Romantic Partners

2010-09-15T08:23:00.002+10:00

Michael J. Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University and the lead author of the study, “Meeting Online: The Rise of the Internet as a Social Intermediary.” states 'In the next several years the Internet could eclipse friends as the most influential way Americans meet their romantic partners, displacing friends out of the top position for the first time since the early 1940s,”
The study also found that the Internet is especially important for finding potential partners in groups where the supply is small or difficult to identify such as in the gay, lesbian, and middle-aged heterosexual communities.

Why 'The Secret' is Bad for Your Health

2010-09-14T06:27:00.017+10:00

In 'The Secret', Rhonda Byrne describes the 'Law of attraction' and suggests that the way to achieve what you want is to: 'Ask' the Universe; truly 'Believe' that you deserve it and will get it, and then, 'Receive'. This seems like a harmless new age idea, so why does it bother me so much?

Others have written about the victim blaming and guilt around illness that this belief system tends to encourage. Rhonda Byrne apparently 'once claimed that disasters like the 2006 tsunami can only happen to people who are “on the same frequency as the event,” which appears to suggest that the victims brought catastrophe on themselves.' There is also a good discussion here questioning both the validity of the ideas and the sources that Byrne claim support her.

What I want to raise is how 'The Secret' can actually harm mental well being. Following the strategies suggested by 'The Secret' can potentially decrease two important healthy behaviours: psychological flexibility and mindfulness.

Psychological flexibility is 'the process of contacting the present moment fully as a conscious human being and persisting or changing behavior in the service of chosen values' (Hayes SC, Luoma JB, Bond FW, Masuda A, Lillis J (2006)). Which means being in touch with the present moment and making flexible choices based on who you want to be in the world and what is really important to you. Numerous studies have found that psychological flexibility is associated with emotional well being and better quality of life.
One of my concerns about 'The Secret' is that it encourages people to focus energy on controlling their thoughts and feelings and also on avoiding situations that may trigger painful feelings. These are both markers of psychological inflexibility. In terms of emotional well being, this is a disaster.

If you want to test how psychologically flexible you are, take the AAQ (Note - the AAQ II on pg 4 of the document is simpler). There is a great article on the dangers of avoiding painful emotions here.

My other major concern is that I don't think it is possible to practice both mindfulness and 'The Secret' and, like psychological flexibility, mindfulness is associated with emotional well being.
Mindfulness has two components

self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience, thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment.

adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness and acceptance. (Bishop et al. (2004:232)

I think 'The Secret' encourages too much focus on an imagined future and also discourages an open, accepting approach to the present moment (especially to thoughts and feelings). I can't find a way to see this as healthy.

In my post on Science and The Secret I suggest some alternative approaches to creating success.

And the medal goes to....

2010-09-12T07:20:00.000+10:00

The Most Generous Countries on Earth - NYTimes.com

Australia and NZ tie first place on Gallup's world giving index, a survey of donations, volunteering and being prepared to help strangers.

Australia is my adopted home - all I can say is 'Go us!'

Improving Your Relationship by Writing About it

2010-09-10T06:38:00.000+10:00

I am a big fan of journaling.
Writing about our deepest thoughts and feelings for 20 minutes a day for just 3 days is associated with improved health, improved immune functioning, lessening of psychological distress following painful events and improved relationships..
This lovely study by James Pennebaker found that when couples journal their deepest thoughts and feelings about their relationship, they then tend to become more emotionally expressive with each other and are more likely to be together 3 months later.

Mindfulness and acceptance are associated with exercise maintenance

2010-09-09T21:55:00.004+10:00

Mindfulness and acceptance are associated with exe... [Behav Res Ther. 2010] - PubMed result

How many of us start an exercise program and then...give it up? A lot of us!
This paper makes the stunning suggestion that the reason we give up is because exercise is often uncomfortable. But then they discuss an interesting finding - there is an association between mindfulness, acceptance and exercising more regularly. When people are able to non-judgementally notice the sensations produced by exercise and accept the discomfort as part of the price to be paid for the many benefits of regular exercise; they tend to miss fewer exercise sessions and feel more positive about achieving their fitness goals.

I have been pondering this finding. I think acceptance of discomfort, in the service of values around being healthy, is important in maintaining an exercise regime. However I also think that mindfulness transforms the experience of exercise. Instead of rushing to get to the end of each set of reps, if I observe with curiosity the sensations that arise as I repeat a movement, it becomes fascinating and also utterly joyful. And I feel so grateful that I have a body that does what I ask it to.

But I don't think that lack of acceptance is actually the major reason that most of us (including me!) aren't exercising enough. I think it is more about competing values. If I am to exercise more, then I need to do less of something else that I value - hanging out with my loved ones chatting and laughing? Focussing on my work? Writing this blog? What do I give up?

I think that this is actually a genuinely difficult dilemma. The most recent pieces of research that have helped me with this are

Mindfully doing housework increases the fitness benefits
Gardening is good for children's self esteem - just wish I could get the kids on board with this one!
Self compassion is a really good idea

And IMHO by far the best book on time management is 'Do it Tomorrow'

Forster recommends a 'Closed List Day Planner' - each day write a list of what you need to get done, but only include what you can realistically get done in a day. Then just do what is on the list. When you have finished the list - STOP and go and play!

Effective Parents Encourage Autonomy

2010-09-08T10:34:00.005+10:00

If you want your teenager to

Make good choices because they want to (rather than to please others)
Handle their emotions effectively
Pursue their interests with passion
Like and respect you, rather than resent you

Then you need to support your children in developing autonomy.

Practically what that means, is that you:

Are interested in hearing their perspective even when it is different to your own (and don't act like their perspective is somehow less valid because they are a teenager)
Give reasons for your opinions and advice
Let them make their own decisions - but coach them to help them to consider all of the different options and think through the likely consequences of those different options
Give them support when they need it - autonomy is different to independence. They can get overwhelmed and feel a bit abandoned if you push them to become too independent too fast
Live the values that you think are important. For example, If you want them to value getting a good education then seeing you putting effort into learning new skills has more of an impact than all of the lectures you give them about how they must do well at school

What to do when you walk into a crowded room and discover you don't know anyone

2010-09-08T10:15:00.000+10:00

Look for the person who looks most lonely, shy or anxious and go over and focus on doing what you can to make them feel more comfortable.

I read this years ago and have no idea of the source but it is a real humdinger of a tip

Watching Someone Else Struggle

2010-09-08T07:37:00.000+10:00

'The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.'

Science and 'The Secret'

2010-09-07T07:12:00.014+10:00

Rob Archer just wrote a post on 'The Secret'. He described it as 'Bollocks' and part of me went 'Yey!' because there is so much in 'The Secret' that is damaging (more on that in another post!) , but it got me thinking. So many people love 'The Secret' and persist with it, are there aspects of it that are useful? Is it possible to tease out the positive parts of the approach without the detrimental 'I have to send positive energy out to the universe by controlling my thoughts and feelings' part (which, is not only impossible but actually counter-productive).

So 'Is there any science to support any of the idea's in 'The Secret'?'

'The Secret' seems to be based on a core belief that picturing what you want and having a positive expectation that it will happen, will actually make what you want to happen, really happen. Now I can't find any science to support that core hypothesis and there are some huge flaws in the idea. However, this idea does relate to a couple of other important idea's that are worth exploring.

That it is possible to control how lucky you are
That believing you will succeed increases your chance of succeeding.

So let's look at those idea's.

Seeing yourself as 'lucky'.

Richard Wisemann has found that people who see themselves as lucky, live 'amazingly charmed lives, full of good fortune.' He found that lucky people actually generate their own good fortune via four principles.

'They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.'

Wiseman found that teaching people these strategies increases their 'luck'. The beauty of these strategies is that they are much easier to follow than trying to think happy thoughts all the time (which, as I have mentioned, is not only impossible but actually counter-productive!).

2. Believing that you will be successful

The belief that you will be able to do what is necessary, so that you will achieve your goals is called Self- Efficacy. A lot of research has been done on how self-efficacy interacts with success. The ideal level of self-efficacy (i.e.confidence that we will succeed) is to have slightly more confidence in ourselves than our actual ability. This optimism encourages us to stretch ourselves, tackle challenges and persist in the face of difficulty. Which, of course, means we learn new skills, our life expands and we are more likely to be successful.

However, if our self-efficacy outstrips our ability by too much, we can end up biting off more than we can chew and fail. This is a risk of 'The Secret'. Followers of 'The Secret' seem to believe that thinking the right thoughts will help them to succeed. They don't seem to judge their likelihood of success based on past experiences of success or failure. This means that occasionally they will succeed at something surprising but they also risk repeated and sometimes disastrous failure. Further, because they attribute success or failure to how well they managed to control their thoughts and feelings (which, I may have mentioned, is not only impossible but actually counter-productive!) they can fail to learn from their mistakes.

So if I was to write a best selling book on the secrets to a successful life (based on research on luck, self-efficacy and a little bit of ACT (of course!)) this is what it would say:

My Cat

Have a clear picture of what 'success' looks like to you - be aware that we are constantly being told that success looks a certain way (usually involving money and status). Create your own picture. Mine involves a garden; some chickens; a cat, and the people I love.
Be open to new experiences and breaking your normal routine - if your usual approach isn't getting you the outcomes you want, try doing one thing different
Set yourself written goals that stretch you a little - record your successes and remind yourself of those successes when you have to do something similar but more challenging
Measure your success in two ways

Did you achieve the outcome you wanted?
Did you live your values? Were you the person you want to be in the world?

Repeatedly connect to the present moment through your five senses - so you get accurate information about what is happening and don't miss opportunities
Use your intuition as a source of information - don't treat it as truth. But intuition can sometimes signal to us that we need to notice some aspect of a situation we haven't paid sufficient attention to
When you want to do something challenging, prepare well and make a plan
When your mind starts freaking you out, telling you how you will fail - accept that this is what minds do. Don't feel you have to either control or buy the thoughts. Check in with what is really happening in the world rather than what your mind is telling you is happening. If what you want to do is important to you, 'Feel the fear and do it anyway!'

There is only one thing - to learn!

2010-09-06T11:39:00.000+10:00

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
T.H. White

Does personality affect your outcome if you get cancer?

2010-08-30T09:09:00.004+10:00

No, it doesn't.

There is a widespread belief in our society that people get, or, fail to recover from, cancer because of unresolved psychological issues or faulty approaches to handling thoughts and emotions.
Extensive research has shown no relationship between personality and likelihood of getting or recovering from cancer. But there is some contradictory research on the broader topic of emotions and illness:

Having a mental illness, like depression or anxiety, has been associated with increased physical illness and earlier death in a number of studies
Having 'trait positive affect' i.e. having a tendency to experience a lot of 'positive' emotions in your life - like joy, happiness, enthusiasm - is associated with longer life in some populations (e.g. community based older people) but not in others (e.g. people who were 'gifted' as children and had high levels of positive emotion were actually more likely to die before 65 than less happy gifted children)
Minimization of emotions has been found to be associated with longer survival in breast cancer patients but denial is associated with shorter survival. The differences between these two approaches are important but subtle.
Emotions seem to pay a larger role in illnesses where inflammation is an important factor (e.g Heart Attacks, Diabetes, Infections) than in illness where inflammation isn't central (e.g.many cancers)
Research findings about one subset of an illness are sometimes different to another subset e.g. 'In breast cancer patients with a hormone (estrogen and/or progesterone) receptor positive status (biological factor), life events were related to recurrence of breast cancer, while such a relationship did not occur in women with hormone receptor negative breast cancer.'
Some factors e.g.depression, perceived social support, anger/hostility, denial/avoidance) have shown both positive and negative relationships with survival from breast cancer.

So what are we to do in response to all this contradiction and uncertainty? Here is my advice (for what it is worth!)

There is a consistent finding that social support is associated with emotional and physical health - so put effort into broadening and building important relationships.
Get clear about what a rich and meaningful life looks like to you and who you want to be in the world. Then behave in ways that move you towards living that life in each moment. If you do develop a serious illness (we all will some day) you can look back on a life well-lived.
If you have a loved one with a serious illness and feel an urge to tell them how they should be handling their emotions

Accept that different people have different ways of coping with challenges - something that works for you may not be right for them.
Know that the messages our society gives about how 'unresolved psychological issues' cause illness, create feelings of guilt in people living with serious illness - do you want to add to that burden of guilt?
Be aware that your urge may be more about dealing with your own distress than genuinely helping them.
Remember the link between social support and health - the most important help you can give your loved one is to show them that you care about them.

Dating Over 40

2010-08-27T13:13:00.002+10:00

I need to preface this post with

1. A clear statement that I am not advocating that all single people over 40 should be looking for a partner, and,

2. An apology for the title of the book I am going to draw on - 'Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others'- the premise behind this book and it's title are just awful - however it does contain some really interesting ideas that I haven't come across elsewhere.
3. A request that you hold the information in this post lightly. This information is based on extensive market research by John Molloy - which is different to peer reviewed research.

Molloy and his colleagues interviewed couples as they left the Marriage Registry Office. Some of his findings in the chapter on 'Dating over 40' are particularly interesting. I think they may apply equally to women and men - so I have adapted it accordingly.

Molloy states:

The more potential partners you meet, the more likely you are to meet someone who suits you. (Okay, so that one isn't exactly rocket science!)

Men and women over 40 are more interested in a partner who ‘looks after themselves’ than physical attractiveness.

Being congenial, easy to get on with, relaxed, kind and showing you care about your partner are highly valued.

The over 40's aren't interested in subtle, hard to read messages from potential partners, they like people to express their feelings clearly.
People over 40 are often ‘gun shy’ because they have been hurt in previous relationships. So, they may be wary, perhaps even cynical. If you really like someone, you need to clearly tell them and be prepared to repeat the message over and over. (However, don't stalk them! If they tell you clearly they aren't interested, accept it!)

Previous experiences of rejection and disappointment mean that people are often very stressed during dates - they will need a few dates before they relax and are able to be themselves – so it is wise to take a little longer before making a decision about someone than you would have done when you were 20.

Clubs and activities can be a great place to meet other singles but don't keep moving from one activity to another – once you find a group/activity you like, try to go regularly – it takes months to build relationships.

Have single friends of the opposite gender.

Although it is true that older men do tend to date younger women, they actually tend to marry women close to them in age, who have similar values and interests.

I would be really interested in hearing your comments on this - does this fit with your experience?

If married people are healthier, should single people be desperately looking for a partner?

2010-08-25T11:04:00.001+10:00

Not necessarily.

A recent lab study measuring hormonal responses to stress found that "single and unpaired individuals are more responsive to psychological stress than married individuals, a finding consistent with a growing body of evidence showing that marriage and social support can buffer against stress"

Which is all well and good and aligns with a lot of research that shows that, on average, married people are healthier than single people.

The problem with this type of finding is that it can lead people who are currently single to feel helpless. Getting married isn't really in our control, so being told that you would be happier, less stressed and healthier if you were married can feel a bit like being told that you would be happier if you were a best selling author - possibly true but not really helpful advice, especially if you don't like writing or going on speaking tours.

Another approach is to dig a little deeper. Another study quoted in New York Magazine found, 'married people were indeed healthier—if they weren’t lonely in their marriages. If they were, the health benefits were so negligible the researchers considered them statistically insignificant.'

The New York Magazine article goes on to quote Harvard epidemiologist, Lisa Berkman: “friends substitute perfectly well for family...Any one connection doesn’t really protect you. You need relationships that provide love and intimacy and you need relationships that help you feel like you’re participating in society in some way.”

Now this is more helpful - developing meaningful friendships, participating in your community - this is much more in our control.

Mindful Listening

2010-08-25T07:11:00.000+10:00

‘to be quiet and still for each other, to regard each other with attention, patience and openness...to provide moments of full attention, engagement and connection’

Building Confidence Through Doing Rather Than Thinking

2010-08-24T06:05:00.002+10:00

My 18 year old son, Patrick, just sent me this email:

Best way to combat feelings of lack of confidence/anxiety? - Get Stuff Done

He had been feeling anxious about achieving his goal of being an amazing (and commercially viable) portrait photographer and then decided to take some actions to move bit by bit towards his goal - and he noticed that as he took each action he felt a little more confident.

Many of us respond to anxiety by avoiding the anxiety provoking situation. We can get caught into waiting until we feel confident before we take action. That is fine if the situation that scares us is bungy jumping - but what if it is the situation is actually important to us? It could be that we need to take a risk in order to develop our career; ask someone on a date; or build a new friendship.

Research on self-efficacy suggests that Patrick is right. We build confidence through experiences of being successful (either at that task or something similar).

So if you want to build your confidence - focus less on controlling what you think and feel and more on structuring the task so that you are likely to be successful. Breaking the task into manageable steps that are each a little harder than the last but not so hard that you are unlikely to succeed.

Now I want to stress here that even when you have done something successfully in the past, you will have times when your mind seems intent on knocking your confidence. 'It was a fluke last time, this time you will stuff it up'. Unfortunately this is a natural human tendency - hold these thoughts lightly and:

Get Stuff Done

Emotion Differentiation as Resilience Against Excessive Alcohol Use — Psychological Science

2010-08-21T07:36:00.001+10:00

Emotion Differentiation as Resilience Against Excessive Alcohol Use — Psychological Science

'Some people are adept at using discrete emotion categories (anxious, angry, sad) to capture their felt experience; other people merely communicate how good or bad they feel. We theorized that people who are better at describing their emotions might be less likely to self-medicate with alcohol. During a 3-week period, 106 underage social drinkers used handheld computers to self-monitor alcohol intake. From participants’ reported experiences during random prompts, we created an individual difference measure of emotion differentiation. Results from a 30-day timeline follow-back revealed that people with intense negative emotions consumed less alcohol if they were better at describing emotions and less reliant on global descriptions.'

Todd Kashdan is doing some fantastic research. This study suggests that if we don't want our kids to binge drink in response to painful emotions then we need to teach them to be able to accurately name what they are feeling.

Digging into that - what exactly do we need to teach them?

To be good at getting present with themselves - dropping in on themselves and noticing their thoughts and feelings
To have a diverse emotion vocabulary - not just angry but also frustrated, irritated, bored, furious, resentful, bitter, exasperated, indignant, offended - and to know the subtle differences between these feelings

And how do we teach it:

Be open and curious and present with them - ask them about how they are feeling and help them tease it out, so they get good at being open and curious about their emotions
Model appropriate expression of painful emotions. Don't just pretend that everything is OK. When you feel painful emotions talk it through with them - what you feel and what triggered the feeling
Model appropriate responses to painful emotions - show them that we don't have to act out or suppress painful emotions. We can feel the emotion, be compassionate to ourselves and pause before we choose actions based on what is important to us.

Love and Pain

2010-08-17T07:30:00.002+10:00

As Seen on DB drew my attention to this heart wrenching video of US soldiers surprising their loved ones.

Watching it is bitter sweet - so happy for them to be reunited with their loved ones and share their joy but in so many faces you can also see the pain of having worried so much about a loved one in danger.

It made me sad - when will we humans be able to put away our battle-dress and live in peace?

The Benefits of Self-compassion - from wonderful Wikipedia

2010-08-14T07:38:00.000+10:00

Self-compassion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Self-compassion is extending compassion to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Neff has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main components - self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.^[1]

Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.
Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires taking a balanced approach to one's negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.^[2] Conversely, mindfulness requires that one not be "over-identified" with mental or emotional phenomena, so that one suffers aversive reactions.^[3] This latter type of response involves narrowly focusing and ruminating on one's negative emotions.^[4]

Much of the research conducted on self-compassion so far has used the Self-Compassion Scale^[1], which measures the degree to which individuals display self-kindness against self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. Research indicates that self-compassionate individuals experience greater psychological health than those who lack self-compassion. For example, self-compassion is positively associated with life-satisfaction, wisdom, happiness, optimism, curiosity, learning goals, social connectedness, personal responsibility, and emotional resilience. At the same time, it is negatively associated with self-criticism, depression, anxiety, rumination, thought suppression, perfectionism, and disordered eating attitudes ^[1]^[5]^[6]^[7]^[8]^[9]^[10]

Although psychologists extolled the benefits of self-esteem for many years, recent research has exposed costs associated with the pursuit of high self-esteem^[11], including narcissism^[12], distorted self-perceptions^[13], contingent and/or unstable self-worth^[14], as well as anger and violence toward those who threaten the ego.^[15]

It appears that self-compassion offers the same mental health benefits as self-esteem, but with fewer of its drawbacks such as narcissism, ego-defensive anger, inaccurate self-perceptions, self-worth contingency, or social comparison.^[7]^[16]'

References

^ ^a ^b ^c Neff, K. D. (2003a). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223-250.
^ Brown, K. W. & Ryan, R. M. (2003). The benefits of being present: Mindfulness and its role in psychological well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 822-848.
^ Bishop, S. R., Lau, M., Shapiro, S., Carlson, L., Anderson, N. D., Carmody, J., Segal, Z. V. Abbey, S., Speca, M., Velting, D. Devins, G. (2004). Mindfulness: A Proposed Operational Definition.Clinical Psychology Science and Practice, 11, 191-206.
^ Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (1991). Responses to depression and their effects on the duration of depressive episodes. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 100, 569-582.
^ Adams, C. E., & Leary, M. R. (in press). Promoting Self-compassionate Attitudes toward Eating Among Restrictive and Guilty Eaters. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.
^ Gilbert, & Irons, 2005
^ ^a ^b Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B., Adams, C. E., Allen, A. B., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 887-904.
^ Neff, K. D., Hseih, Y., & Dejitthirat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity, 4, 263-287.
^ Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K. & Rude, S. S. (2007). Self-compassion and its link to adaptive psychological functioning. Journal of Research in Personality, 41, 139-154.
^ Neff, K. D., & Rude, S. S., & Kirkpatrick, K. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of Research in Personality, 41, 908-916
^ Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130, 392-414.
^ Bushman, B. J. & Baumeister, R. F. (1998). Threatened egotism, narcissism, self-esteem, and direct and displaced aggression: Does self-love or self-hate lead to violence? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 219-229.
^ Sedikides, C. (1993). Assessment, enhancement, and verification determinants of the self-evaluation process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 65, 317-338.
^ Crocker, J., & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of self-worth. Psychological Review, 108, 593-623.
^ Baumeister, R. F., Smart, L., & Boden, J. M. (1996). Relation of threatened egotism to violence and aggression: The dark side of high self-esteem. Psychological Review. 103, 5-33.
^ Neff, K. D & Vonk, R. (submitted). Self-compassion versus self-esteem: Two different ways of relating to oneself. Manuscript submitted for publication.

Being Single

2010-08-12T07:23:00.007+10:00

When you are single, you get a lot of well meaning people telling you what you should do. A common piece of advice is – 'You need to get comfortable being alone before you start dating again'.

When I am single, I completely ignore this advice. I do a lot of dating. I fall in and out of lust and love. I am on an emotional roller coaster. I love the opportunity to test drive lots of different potential partners. And I know that, for some people, that approach would be neither helpful nor healthy.

What I have come to is this – you can do the same activity for completely different reasons. Rather than relying on others to tell you if it is right or wrong (assuming it is legal!) instead ask yourself the question:

Is doing this moving me towards the life I want, a life that is rich and meaningful, or, am I running away from painful thoughts and feelings?

On 22 August I am running a workshop (with the wonderful Joan Wilson-Jones) at The Relaxation Centre of Queensland titled 'Life, Love and Laughter when Single and Over 40'. If you are interested in coming along, call them on 07 3856 3733.

Trying Not to Think About Smoking Leads to Increased Smoking

2010-08-11T17:54:00.003+10:00

Unbound MEDLINE | I Suppress, Therefore I Smoke: Effects of Thought Suppression on Smoking Behavior. Journal article abstract

We know that trying not to think about something actually makes us think about it more. Try not to think about a pink elephant.....how are you going? You might notice that it takes effort to not think about something and that, in order to check how you are going in not thinking about the pink elephant, you have to keep asking yourself the question 'Have I thought about a pink elephant recently - D'oh!'

This study explored this concept of thought suppression with a group of smokers - some were asked to try to suppress thoughts of smoking and others were asked to express thoughts about smoking. The thought suppression group initially smoked less but after a week they ended up smoking more. It is this initial success that leads us to believe that suppressing thoughts works in controlling our behaviour.

Even more importantly the more a smoker has a general tendency to suppress thoughts, the more times they have unsuccessfully tried to quit smoking.

Trying to control our thoughts takes emotional energy that could be better used to direct our behaviour towards our valued goals. If we are able to let go of the idea that our thoughts are in charge of our actions, then we can let our thoughts do what they want. We can choose which thoughts we are going to respond to with actions that will, step by step, create the life we truly want. Other thoughts we can just notice with compassion.

More on Choosing a Suitable Partner

2010-08-11T06:09:00.000+10:00

I am teaching recruitment and selection at Uni this semester. My students are learning that unstructured interviews are a very bad way to assess whether someone will do well in a job. Work sample tests (where the candidate does tasks similar to those required in the role) are much better at predicting success. This is useful information when selecting a potential partner!

When you are deciding whether you will date someone, pay careful attention to what they do rather than what they say they do. Don't get too caught up 'interviewing' them -some people are really good at telling the right story but turn out to be disappointing partners and others interview poorly but are loving and kind. For example, don't accept that your potential partner is a good listener because he tells you he is - notice if he is actually listening!

Are You Willing to Pay the Price of Admission for Your Life?

2010-08-09T18:45:00.001+10:00

In order to live a life that is drenched in passion and purpose you have to be willing to feel pain.

If you love deeply, at some point you will be hurt.
If you open up enough to be vulnerable, at some point you will feel anxious.
If you try to make a positive difference to the lives of the people around you, at some point you will get it wrong and feel guilty or embarrassed or disappointed in yourself.
If you try to do something new, at some point it won't work out the way you hoped it would.
If you try to communicate honestly, at some point someone won't like what you say and will get hurt or angry.

If we let the fear of pain make our choices, we end up frightened and lonely or bored and dessicated.
Are you willing to pay the price of admission for your life?